Tag: love

I sent a card.

Karl Elvis

I don’t know if it will make any difference.

I don’t know if it will bring any comfort to her family, to have a random stranger who was in love with their daughter, pick a card, paste a stamp. Cards are stupid, but it’s what one does.

I hated every card I could find, on the racks at my local CVS, but starting from a blank page was more than I could manage. I don’t even remember what it said, but at least there was no odious religion.

Mostly it was an enclosure for something I typed out – my handwriting is awful – telling them who I was (the friend who once worked at Apple, who helped them with my employee discounts), that I am heartbroken at the loss. That she was my best friend.

I gave them my contact info and asked if they might tell me anything; at least about burial or cremation. It’s not knowing, I think, that makes this so fucking difficult for me. To have her gone with only three words – she passed away – and nothing else.

I chose a Disney stamp, because I know Disney was important to her family. anything to earn goodwill.

I mailed it today. It will be in Florida in a day or two, maybe by the weekend. I do not know when or if it will be opened. So I wait and hope I hear something – text, email, call, something.

I tell myself not to expect anything. But the gaping hole where she used to be needs some little thing to fill it.

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I’m obsessing over her.

I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about her death. I know  next to nothing, so I imagine scenarios.

each thing I imagine is horrifying.

I finally broke down and cried today, real tears, wracking sobs. It did not help; it did not make it feel any more real.

My mind won’t construct a world without her in it;mI keep looking for on twitter, bsky or facebook. I keep thinking there’s been a mistake.

I miss her so fucking much.

I’m useless. I can’t work,  can’t sleep. I’m pretending I’m ok, because no one would understand.

I don’t know how people cope with this. I’m undone by it.

i feel like this will destroy me, and i kind of want it to. Oblivion sounds better than hole she left at the center of me.

The world changed

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My god it’s been a long time.

I miss being what you might call a writer or at least a blogger.

I miss days when it mattered.

I miss being creative, and living a life that routinely got me in trouble – I miss the trouble, and the people I used to get into it with. Well, certain people anyway.

It’s been a long fucking pandemic; will any of us ever be the same, when this is objects-closer-than-they-appear in the rear view? Not the over that people are pretending now, the ‘it’s not over at all but we’re too tired of it to know that’ kind of over thats’ whole-cloth nonsense. Will we ever, though, be who we used to be?

I need a martini, but I need it with the people I used to drink martinis with. My dogs are good company and all, but, well, it’s not the same, now, is it? They can’t mix a decent drink, and though they’ll definitely kiss, they also don’t kiss nearly as well as – well, as some other people –  and gin doesn’t cover dog breath.

I need to write something better than this. See if I still can.

Maybe i’ll be back tomorrow. Or maybe in another year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dirty Martini

Karl Elvis7 Comments

“I like to have a martini,
two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host”

    –Dorothy Parker

I have the feeling I would have liked to party with Ms. Parker.

What is it about a martini?

Tequila’s a drug. Scotch is an obsession. Bourbon’s a statement. Vodka is for when you don’t really like booze.

A martini is a lifestyle.

Read more “Dirty Martini”