Damn, I wish I could get a day where no one else wanted anything, needed anything, had to have something fixed, looked at, cleaned up, or taken care of. You know, there’s a down side to being problem solving guy; namely, when do I get the bandwidth to work on some of my own? I […]
Damn, I wish I could get a day where no one else wanted anything, needed anything, had to have something fixed, looked at, cleaned up, or taken care of.
You know, there’s a down side to being problem solving guy; namely, when do I get the bandwidth to work on some of my own?
I have a gift – it’s the thing that turn up on my work reviews, even when I’ve otherwise completely screwed the pooch, work wise; a knoack for debugging things, for seeing the root cause. Well, THERE’s your problem, and Jaime Hyneman might say. I’m just good at knowing, through some combination of intuition and observation, what makes a system work and thus what’s making it not work.
So I find myself forever in that role; the better I get, the more constant the need.
I don’t mind, you know? It’s not just what I do, it’s who I am. It’s what I enjoy. That lightbulb moment, when seemingly un-connected points of data suddenly assemble into a picture, and I can see the point of failure. It’s the tiny highlights in generally drab work days. And more, at home, in real life, when I say, this is the failure point and can apply, or help apply, some solution, it makes me happy.
There are points, though, load exceeds structural resistance and I want to simple give in, let the crushing weight win.
There are the points when I need time away from every single ounce of need, want, issue. No one saying help me or this is broken or can you fix.
This is, of course, the kind of blog entry I usually don’t post. I’ve written it a couple times a year since I started blogging, and rarely does it see the light. Because as much as I don’t want to help, I don’t want any help.
I need a vacation from the universe. And it makes me understand why people find the spike to appealing; let me go away from myself for a bit. Only then there’s another need to manage, and the cycle gets smaller and tighter.
The list of things I need to do gets longer only – never, ever shorter, and the list of what I want to do is almost forgotten under load. I was trying to recall the other day the last time I felt free enough of pressure to cut loose and create, and I cannot recall; it’s lost on the blur if the last year and a half. Even on my last vacation, never did I have a day where I could say, this is my time, forget what other people are doing or want to do.
I feel the edges of a crazy sort of rage at the edges of things. Sadness and anger are lurking at the back of my skull all the time now, and I need someplace to put them.
A good friend asked me the other day if I was ok – really, really ok. And I had to think back a long time to the last moment I felt really ok; moments of time, too soon gone.
I need to be back there, in those fleeting, warm, soft, truly happy moments. And I don’t know how to get back there.
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And I don’t know how to get back there.
Ha, yeah, I’m the “problem solver”, too, I sure do understand this. Right this second, scribbling this comment out, I’m multi-tasking telling one kid what to do to keep the puppy out of the groceries just delivered and another kid, for at least the 50th time, what to do with the frozen stuff. Let’s try, I don’t know….put it in the freezer. Doesn’t fit in the small freezer? Um, okay, try the bigger freezer. ZOMG, problem solved!
I think it’s all in seasons though, that’s the way it’s always been for me. God, I believe in being proactive, make the best life for *you* you can…but the things that I can’t change do seem to, eventually turn over into another season. Nothing is forever.
Anyway, hugs and shit like that. I surely do understand this.
I too understand. The world spins faster and faster and there is no time. I think of the things that I have given up or put aside and sigh. I think of the things I want and can not yet have or do. But I know that setting aside a little time for you is the way for you to find your way back to being “OK.” The cost is too high not to. Even if it’s only time to think at the moment.
Or stare at some fish. Or your own fist… (with some fine skull rings!) Giggle. Giggle.
I understand, all too well. No matter how much I love the people I love, no matter how much I’m enjoying my job, sometimes the weight of it all – the responsibility of being a good friend, family member, girlfriend, employee, rommate, pet owner – is so overwhelming that it’s all I can do to keep myself from taking whatever money I have, a small bag of clothes and moving to Alaska, becoming a hermit with not even my cats for company.
But then I know that, no matter where I go, being a total hermit just isn’t in my nature. I love and need companionship all too much and, after a while, would make friends where-ever I ended up. Or I’d just really miss everyone back home. Or both.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find “those fleeting, warm, soft, truly happy moments” again, at least not for a sustained time. But I get them once in a blue moon. They feel good. I think that’ll have to be enough for me. I hope yours, when they come (and they will), last longer and longer each time.