Almost cut my orkut

Almost cut my hair It happened just the other day It was getting kind of long I could have said it was in my way But I didn’t and I wonder why I feel like letting my freak flag fly And I feel like I owe it to someone Must be because I had the […]

Almost cut my hair
It happened just the other day
It was getting kind of long
I could have said it was in my way

But I didn’t and I wonder why
I feel like letting my freak flag fly
And I feel like I owe it to someone

Must be because I had the flu for Christmas
And I’m not feeling up to par
It increases my paranoia
Like looking into a mirror and seeing a police car

But I’m not giving in an inch to fear
Cos I promised myself this year
I feel like I owe it to someone

When I finally get myself together
I’m gonna get down in some of that sweet summer weather
I’m going to find a space inside to laugh
Separate the wheat from the chaff

Cos I feel like I owe it, yeah
Said I feel like I owe it, yeah
You know I feel—- like I owe it yeah to someone

— David Crosby, ‘Almost cut my hair’

I couldn’t decide what part of that to include. There’s the whole fucking thing, it’s only disk space and network bandwidth, right?

I almost killed my orkut account today.

I don’t know why really. Oh, and when I say my orkut account, I mean that one and all the other ones. I had this sudden and almost overpowering desire to be finished with it.

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Bloggers block?

Ever have nothing to say? Funny, usually I don’t. I always have an opinion on everything, and want to tell you about it. Some reason, I seem completely stuck now. And I’ve reached the point where I feel I should be blogging and that just makes it worse. I keep having these vague thoughts about […]

Ever have nothing to say?

Funny, usually I don’t. I always have an opinion on everything, and want to tell you about it.

Some reason, I seem completely stuck now. And I’ve reached the point where I feel I should be blogging and that just makes it worse. I keep having these vague thoughts about some theme to blog on and it just — foop — goes away.

I’m at something of a loss.

There are these topics. Writing, the whys and why nots. Friends I want to talk about, and damn, I’ve made some really good friends on orkut, as I’ve mentioned before; people I’m keeping. There’s the book I’m reading now, which both makes me want to go into the theme of great writers losing it, but also carries a theme of important moments, points where things change.

I dunno. Can’t seen to lock down on one and get the thoughts rounded up and heading the same direction.

I also wanna talk about my friend Lex and the Survivor AllStars finale. And then there’s the story a friend of mine is writing which seems to feature my father as a character. But every time I crack that open and try to read it I run into my father’s name and can’t go on. Odd thing.

But let’s say this, on a completely unconnected topic.

Go Sharks.

I’m taking my ten year old to a sharks playoffs game tonight, and when I showed her the tickets, I think I got as many cool dad points as if I’d just told her she could have a helicopter. This kid almost exploded with glee. It was one of those moments that make it all worthwhile. She took off like a runaway train, screaming and hollering and dancing and tripping over herself in front of her school friends. And these kids – great kids and another entry to be done – all just accepted the goony behavior as if were the most natural thing in the world.

We went to one of the first games of the season – first hockey game ever for either of us – it it turned us both into huge fans, following the team all season. So this is a perfect culmination of that for us, to see a playoff game. It’s huge, and we’ve been trying to get these tickets for a while.

Go sharks. Win this one for a geeky ten year old girl who’s going to love watching this game even if you lose.

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Reading and Writing and Resolutions

Man, do I need to write something. I’ve been wandering around for ages now thinking I should. But today – now – I’m suddenly compelled. I did a couple of things today. One was to post a snippet of silliness called Giant Rat on an Orkut group called “Hopped Up on Goofballs”. No reason really, […]

Man, do I need to write something.

I’ve been wandering around for ages now thinking I should. But today – now – I’m suddenly compelled.

I did a couple of things today. One was to post a snippet of silliness called Giant Rat on an Orkut group called “Hopped Up on Goofballs”. No reason really, just because.

The other was I talked to someone on IM who I flirted a bit with on another site pre-orkut.

I need an aside here – I’ve been using Apple iChat as my chat client. Now iChat rocks, it’s got a great, easy, good-looking interface and is easy to use. But it’s got some limitations that annoy me. It supports only AIM and .mac accounts, and it will only let me sign in one at a time. Now I of course have AIM accounts (two of them), a .mac account, an ICQ account, and a Yahoo account. So I want one chat app.

Trillian, everyone says, but no — no mac client. So I’ve tried a few others and wasn’t happy with them. That was ok until my group at work decided to start using iChat for business communication. And they wanted my .mac account. So suddenly as far as my friends could see, I was gone. And then I was using yahoo chat and sometimes AIM and iChat all at the same time. So I just found a new client, Adium X which supports all the major protocols, and which I actually like. Not as much as iChat but still, I like it. It’s pretty usable even though the duck theme is annoying.

The upshot is that all my chat accounts are up and logged in at the same time, finally.

This meant that this woman who’s been trying to dig me up on chat for a while finally found me.

We chatted a bit today, started talking about writing and art (she’s both, a pretty good pen and ink artist and a pretty decent poet, at least to my reader’s eye). So we started talking, not really either of us knowing much about each other, and found a common ground talking about writing. I gave her a couple bits of mine to read, she gave me a couple bits of hers. I liked her poetry quite a lot more than I expected to, which was a pleasant surprise.

And I started thinking – damn, why have I stopped?

So why have I? and why do I suddenly need to start?

Orkut’s part of it. No question. I’ve focused a lot of my creativity, in tiny slices, on that universe. Scraps, testimonials, postings, it’s all little bits and pieces of cleverness and witty banter. Each one is a quick thing, but together, they add up to a lot of brain power and attention. Also, my compulsion to be a personality on orkut the way I was on USENET drives me. My compulsion to win the love of the many delightful females, I suppose, is also a factor.

But today – I had one of those “don’t care about it” days. Where I can’t keep up and don’t care if I do. Maybe that’s fatigue, sure. I’m fried. Worn out. But maybe it’s just hit a saturation point for me where I need to do something else.

I have a lotta stories I need to work on. I should maybe post excepts but I can’t stand sharing stuff that’s not done. There’s the Wanton followup, there’s a vaguely Carnivale-inspired story about a mysterious figure who comes to a small farm, there’s a bit of something that starts with two people who meet at a funeral. Several others. There’s something in that stack of stories started or conceptual that I could get traction on, but I need to quit fooling around.

The call of fooling around, though, is strong. Not to mention the call of work. But that’s another entry I wrote that went into the weeds and may never see the light of day.

So here’s my resolution – this weekend I’m not going to fool around on orkut. This weekend I’m going to get out one of the in-process stories and work on it. Maybe only a little but I have to do it before the skills get rusty.

We’ll see how well that holds. I might actually do it. B^)

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Only two types of music

A commenter (Commentor? Commentator? One of these things), BykerSink, said this: There are only two types of music. Good music and bad music. The genre is not important. It's very glib to say genre doesn't matter, of course. It's one…

A commenter (Commentor? Commentator? One of these things), BykerSink, said this:

There are only two types of music. Good music and bad music.
The genre is not important.

It’s very glib to say genre doesn’t matter, of course. It’s one of those “I love everyone” sort of statements that makes the speaker sound very open-minded and above it all. Hell, I say stuff like that all the time. But the truth is, as truth usually is, much more complicated.

Labels are tools. And like any tool, misused, they harm or hurt. The hammer drives the nail, but also hurts the finger.

So sticking with musical genre for a moment; I rarely, very rarely, say to myself “I want music”. I say “I want this genre music. I’m in the mood, just now, for some jazz. And not just jazz, but cool jazz, or maybe bossa nova, or maybe I want some swing right now. And I’ll go look for that. or I’ll want heavy metal or funk. Because the genre implies a feel and mood. And I’m seeking music to fit a mood, sometimes.

This is why a record store will group by style. Because I don’t want to look through country/western today, I want Classical.

Obviously, it’s useful. I don’t put my shorts away with my flannel shirts. I don’t put my pans with my silverware. I don’t put my rat poison with my toothpaste.

But there’s the other side. The dark side of the force, if you will.

Since people tend to listen by genre, listeners, buyers, will say “I don’t like that kind of music.” They reject based on type. And we all do it. People who claim they don’t are lying to themselves. “Yeah, I love all music, but not those boy bands”. “I like all kinds of music other than reggae”. Because there’s always a bias. Always. It’s just a question of how the bias is laid out. BykerSink says there are two kinds, good and bad. So it’s simply binary, BykerSink don’t like a genre called bad music.

People cut themselves off from a lot of music with genres, sure. And bands suffer; when I was a local music scene person, I was surrounded by bands that didn’t fit a genre. My favorite, Dot3, were kind of funk but kind of afro-tribal and kind of prog-rock and kind of punk/pop. And yes, they were good, incredibly good. But promoters didn’t know what the hell to do with them. Another band that came out of the ashes after Dot3 broke up, Tongue Tied, used to get lumped in with hard rock bands because they were dark and heavy, but they were not at all a hard rock band. They had trouble getting to the right audiences because they’d been mis-labeled.

Labels are useful. All the more so with a modern collection of music on Mp3; I can’t find the right stuff from my collection without a genre label, there’s too much to wade through unless I’m seeking a particular song or album or artist. But they screw me up because some artists are so badly mis-labled (rock bands in ‘alternative‘? Punk bands in ‘hard rock‘? Let’s just call them all ‘rock‘ ok?). Worse for me is that ‘Disco‘ and ‘Soul‘ and ‘R&B‘ and ‘Funk‘ and ‘hip-hop‘ all tend to get crammed together in a blob; so when I’m trying to find funk collections, more often than not what I get are collections that are mostly disco or hip-hop, and not true 70’s funk at all. Not that I have an issue with those genres, but KC and the Sunshine Band != Funkadelic.

So BykerSink, I say – yeah, there are genres called good music and bad music, but for us to have a conversation about music, we need something a little more agreed upon. So the labels, the genres, are important, even if they are also a frustrating impediment to enjoyment in some cases.

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It’s like jazz, he said

Everything I ever said bad about rap and hip-hop? I take it all back. Just, you know, for the record. Ok. It was a long time ago the first time this white boy said 'you know, this rap stuff might…

Everything I ever said bad about rap and hip-hop?

I take it all back. Just, you know, for the record.

Ok. It was a long time ago the first time this white boy said ‘you know, this rap stuff might not suck’. I bought a Heavy D album and a De La Soul album (oh, hell, I don’t know how long ago, but first albums for both, when they were first released). And I liked ’em ok, but didn’t really play them.

A while later, I heard NWA and Ice-T and thought, y’know, I kinda like these gansta guys, even thought they’re sorta fuckheads. But I didn’t go buy ’em. Didn’t feel compelled.

And yeah, that was a while ago. I’ve heard things I liked since, sure. Tupac, Jurassic 5, Eminem, Kid Rock. You can’t avoid the rap and hip-hop these days even if you want to. But I never really felt, again, the need to own.

Then — well, I blame Jeff. It’s all his damned fault. Not that this is the first time Jeff ever talked me into anything, but I’m just sayin’.

Jeff’s a whole topic of his own – but let’s set that aside. Let’s just do this – Jeff’s my boss. Jeff’s just finished his full body suit tattoo (I mean just – like two days ago). Jeff’s been my friend as long as Austin Ray, but only my boss for about four years.

So Jeff – Radio Jeff – Jeff who owns more music than almost anyone I’ve ever known (Willy Keats may have him beat still, but I bet it’s close); Jeff has been telling me for a couple years now, ‘rock is dead‘. He’s been trying to get me to listen to hip-hop for a long time. Keeps handing me CD’s, bringing me his iPod, saying “Listen to this”.

But there’s one thing he said that finally clicked. ‘It’s all about the DJ’s.’

It’s about the DJ’s. It’s not about the rappers. The MC’s.

You have to think about that a little, if you’re not familiar with hip-hop. because when when people say hip-hop, you think rap; you think Snoop Dog or Tupac or Ice-T. You think about the MC. But rap != hip-hop. Rap is part of hip hop. So you have to step back a little and see that whatever that guy up front is doing, stalking the stage, posturing and rockin’ the microphone, the origin of it all, the beat, the backbone, it’s all the DJ. Or that’s where it started anyway, even if a lot of rap is now done on a computer, not by a live guy with two turn tables and a microphone.

So Jeff said to me — It’s all about the DJ’s. “It’s like Jazz,” he said. “Because they are improvising, and they’re just doing it for themselves.”

He said it a while back. But it didn’t sink in. he’s been playing me cuts for a while, talking about artists, DJ’s. He loaned me a DVD of Scratch, which I mentioned before. But I’d been sitting on it, hadn’t watched it. But then one day, in his office, he was playing a cut from something and I said ‘man, you should make a compilation disk of the hip-hop you really, really dig’.

So he did. he called it ‘Bounce, Dammit’,

I listened to this once. And didn’t like it much. And then I listened again – this time turned up loud, in my car. And loved it. And played it over and over. And loved it more each time. And it was like a light went on in my head. ‘Christ.’ I thought. ‘It’s about the fucking DJ’s‘.

I suddenly got it. I came home and watched Scratch. And it was like I discovered an instrument I’d never heard before. These guys are musicians. They’re artists. They’re insane. Cut Chemist, DJ QBert, a ton of others. Amazing people. And then I went back and started listening again. And the more I listened, the more I was amazed.

And then I started buying stuff. Eminem first, though he’s not a pure hip-hop guy, but I wanted to hear the albums again. Then Prozack Turner who’s a local boy, and is truly amazing (run, don’t walk, and buy Death, Taxes and Prozack, trust me on that one, this white kid from Campbell can rap.

But still, it’s the DJ’s. And I don’t even have a list of albums and artists for this, but the Return of the DJ series is a goddamned good start. I just listened to them, and they’re top of my ‘to buy’ stack right now. Then there’s Cut Chemist meets Shortkut. This is hard to find I think, but from my limited exposure, Cut is my favorite of the DJs. He’s amazing; he’s also the turntablist behind a lot of Juassic 5.

They are – as Jeff said – like jazz. And once you’ve actually seen these cats working, and then listen with that mental image, it’s frankly incredibly. It’s not just whicka-whicka-whicka scratching, though that, you start to see, has it’s own music. But it’s also whole new songs built from the old. I’ve only begun to explore this, but like my discovery of jazz a few years ago, I can feel a gateway opening to a universe of music I knew little about. These are the moments I live for; new experience come unexpected and bringing with it amazing rewards. You know, some of you, what I’m talking about. Out of nowhere.

…And I still wanna go buy those 1200’s and a mixer, call myself Dj Freaky E, and start scratching.


Now Playing: Jurass Finish First from the album Bounce, Dammit!

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Creativity fled

Where’s it gone? Have you see in? I had it here. [checks pockets] Where has my creativity gone? Bollocks. I know I had it. If you’ve got it, please, send it back. No questions asked. I could blame Orkut. It might even be true. Adam Rifkin told me the other day that without jail, he’d […]

Where’s it gone? Have you see in? I had it here. [checks pockets]

Where has my creativity gone?

Bollocks. I know I had it. If you’ve got it, please, send it back. No questions asked.

I could blame Orkut. It might even be true. Adam Rifkin told me the other day that without jail, he’d live there on orkut fourteen hours a day.

It’s not the time though. I’m not spending a lotta hours. I’m spending a lotta brain power. It’s like being at a party with all my funniest friends, and we’re all in a vague competition to keep the level of cleverness very very high. When we’re all hitting together, riffing on each other, trading jabs, working like we’ve rehearsed a routine, it’s a thing of beauty. Orkut’s like that, sometimes the jokes are working and sometimes they’re not but either way the brain’s running, the attention tightly focused. And I walk away from the computer fogged like I’ve been playing a video game.

It’s reached the point where it’s work or orkut and then brain’s empty; I must re-fill it with beer, and then sleep.

Fortunately, three writer friends recently unintentionally pimp-slapped me about it (well, one did it on purpose, thanks Fred), one by writing again after a layoff (can’t wait to see when it’s done, baby), one by asking me to help edit a piece, and one just by saying (thanks fred) ‘get fucking writing again.’

All right, fine, fine, I gotcha. At least I’m doing this. I can’t promise on the other stuff, but I’m looking at my stack of stories started and thinking, one of these has to be pay dirt, which one is it?

Ok. So next time I get the orkut urge I’ll try to work on something else instead. I don’t know it’ll work but, really. I will try.

So I should talk about the camping trip I chaperoned on last week – yeah, they put me in charge of ten year olds. The fools. Or I could talk about My Lunch with Adam Rifkin but he made us sign an NDA. So instead let me just say – ah fuck it, I got nothing, is it time to go to fiji yet?


Now Playing: Larks’ Tongues In Aspic, Part Two from the album The Great Deceiver – Things Are Not As They Seem … by King Crimson

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Blog about Blog

The pusher-man strikes again. Gregg, welcome to blogger-land. You are one of us. Ok, that’s a little pre-mature you have yet to get a real entry up, but you will man, you will. While talking to Gregg (Who has too many gees and whose name I always want to spell with a differing number of […]

The pusher-man strikes again.

Gregg, welcome to blogger-land. You are one of us. Ok, that’s a little pre-mature you have yet to get a real entry up, but you will man, you will.

While talking to Gregg (Who has too many gees and whose name I always want to spell with a differing number of them, Greggggg, Greggggg, Greggg) about this, I also started thinking about desktop blogging clients. I don’t have a strong opinion about the idea yet, I need to monkey with MT a little to get Ecto working. But it seems a worthy idea for some additional functionality that you might get with a desktop client – spell check, a better preview mode, automated html insertion to save me extra typing. But the luddite in me laughs at the idea.

Opinions? Anyone out there using an external blogging client rather than a web interface? If so, why? Particularly MT users, which ones are you using?

And while we’re geeking out, note there’s a new Style in the pull-down menu, Titanium Gold. I rather like it. Again, courtesy of Scotty at movablestyle.com.

Ok, I promise, next entry will be free of geekery, and will contain only very little about orkut. Really. It won’t have any sex in it either. Wait though, we’ll get to that.


Now Playing: Dear Old Dad from the album Death Taxes & Prozack by Prozack Turner

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It’s pronounced “slowth”

Like Peter Cook in “Bedazzled”. “Slowth” Not “slawth“. It just sounds better that way. So once again, Austin Ray and I are on some weird wavelength. See his entry Sloth is the Mind Killer for context. Also, he owes some of you a long email but don’t hold your breath. But we seem to be […]

Like Peter Cook in “Bedazzled”.

Slowth

Not “slawth“.

It just sounds better that way.

So once again, Austin Ray and I are on some weird wavelength. See his entry Sloth is the Mind Killer for context. Also, he owes some of you a long email but don’t hold your breath.

But we seem to be sharing a saturday alone, 1800 miles apart.

A saturday alone. This is one of those ideas that should be wonderful for the harried (ahem) head-of-household. Images of beer and ballgames, puttering around in the garage, hanging out with the buddies. Or catching up on work. Or something productive. A day of time spent usefully, or in satisfying uselessness.

So what did I do? Hell I’m not sure. I certainly didn’t achieve anything, no matter how much I felt like I was doing stuff all day. I had visions of doing a lot of writing, but that didn’t happen. Not even blog writing until now, near midnight. I had visions of errands I was going to run (new turn signal for the one I broke off my Triumph – stupid parking-lot drop, I hate that.) But I didn’t ever actually leave the house until 8pm when I got hungry, and then realized I had nothing in the house but booze and kippers. Actually if I’d started on the booze the kippers would have been fine, but I had enough booze last night for at least one weekend, maybe enough for a couple.

I had this vague plan about things I would do with friends; but timing sometimes seems against me. I was thinking of seeing a band, but that just sort of didn’t happen. And I can’t even blame Orkut for my lack of productivity this time, since my favored account is in orkut jail and I’m not using the old-just-released one on the assumption that they’ll figure out I have two and re-delete that one at any moment.

So what the hell did I do? Well, I watched a really great documentary on hip-hop DJ’s and turntablists called Scratch, which I gottta say, made me wanna go get a couple of 1200’s and a mixer and call myself DJ Freaky E. Ok, so really it just made me wanna play with the gear, but still. Even if you’re not a hip-hop fan it’s a brilliant documentary, and if you’re at all interested in hip-hop or DJ’ing, do not miss it.

Still, it’s an annoying feeling, when you intend to be productive, and instead do nothing. I guess I should have planned to do nothing, and then doing anything would seem like and achievement. It’s all about setting expectations.

At least my people far away are having a good time, but I’d rather have been with them, all things considered.

But I still wanna be DJ Freaky E. Word up, y’all.

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Whoa. Just – Whoa

So if that don’t beat all. Just got this from Orkut. After (let’s see) Oh, about three weeks since I sent it. Hi Karl, We sincerely apologize for our delay in responding to your request to have your account reactivated. We hope you’ll be willing to rejoin the orkut.com community and give us another chance. […]

So if that don’t beat all.

Just got this from Orkut. After (let’s see) Oh, about three weeks since I sent it.

    Hi Karl,

    We sincerely apologize for our delay in responding to your request to have your account reactivated. We hope you’ll be willing to rejoin the orkut.com community and give us another chance.

    At the time your account was suspended, your profile name was listed as “Laser-Guided Elvis” which violated the Community Standards posted at http://help.orkut.com/bin/answer.py?answer=148&topic=-1. In general, users are sent a warning first, asking them to correct their profile name, and we’re sorry that this step wasn’t taken first.

    Your account has been unsuspended; however, your profile name will have to abide by our Community Standards if you wish to continue participating.

    Again, we apologize that a warning message was not issued before your account was suspended, and we’re working hard to ensure that this does not happen in the future.

    Stay connected,
    orkut.com

So now, there’s two of me. At least.

Now. After I’ve completely re-created my Orkut identity, re-built my friend list. Nice timing, guys, that’s real attention to detail there, that is.

At least I have my testimonials back. Seems they didn’t show up on other users profiles, but the text showed in my testimonials list, so I was able to screen-capture them and save them. So if there’s any goodness I can get it back.

And my old postings are back in my name.

There are some confused users though. Suddenly they have two of me. Some may call this a blessing, some a curse.

At least they finally admitted the fuck-up, if a day late and a few simoleons short. Wonder how long til they realize there are two of me?

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I see my friends on teevee

So it’s a singularly strange experience, seeing a person you know well, have known for years, a person you’ve seen go though a lot of life’s peaks and troughs, seen drunk and sober, single and married, with and without kids, a person you know very well, suddenly on TV.

There’s this show. It’s about people on an island, and they’re playing a game. And we’ll just call it Survivor And there’s a guy; and if you’ve seen my picture, and you’ve watched the show, you’ll be guessing already which guy it is, but we’re just call him Lex because it’s a pretty good name, and in fact, it’s his name.

So you’re used to watching a guy you know. Eating, drinking, talking, laughing, angry, upset, sick, happy. All the normal things we see our friends do.

And then one day, there he is on the tv screen.

Ok, so that’s a little weird. A little. But you get used to it.

And then suddenly, there he is talking to Regis fucking Philbin.

That, my friends, is where the line is crossed, from odd to completely surreal.

If you don’t watch survivor, I may lose you here. That’s fine. I love you anyway. Click on over to Orkut and see what’s up on your favorite groups, or fire up a blunt, crack a 40 and listen to eminem. Getcha next time.

Ok, now they’re gone. Who needs ’em anyway?

So I’ve been a big fan of this show since it started. I was down on the idea, and still am, of reality TV. It’s lame. And as a general rule I don’t watch it. There are exceptions, sure. But this Survivor thing looked cool from the previews. And I was hooked from the very first for one reason – it looked fucking great. Great camera work, great editing, all the technical stuff. That’s really what got me. The game – I wasn’t sure. The people all seemed a little annoying. But the look and the idea were cool. So I went with it. I got hooked. Became a fan of the game, and the show, and some of the players.

But it’s all so different when you watch a friend.

I don’t just mean the novelty. That, you can imagine. And it wears off for the most part, Regis aside. I mean – the game changes and the show changes.

Suddenly, you feel it. The misery, the hunger, the stress. When you care so much about who wins. When you care about the person, his kids, his wife. When you know you’re some of the people he’s thinking about out there in the wild places. When you know the expressions and body language and can read misery with a vividness impossible for the casual viewer.

I watched Lex go through starvation, dehydration, stress and terror in Africa. Watched it knowing how sick he was when he came home. Knowing he’d nearly died, knowing, just from seeing him (For he could say nothing that might reveal the game’s outcome) how much of a toll it had taken.

It hurt. It took the fun away, and made it hurt to watch. And watching him fail at the end – not him failing, but his illness and weakness causing his body to fail – it was like a body blow to watch it.

And then I could barely watch the show after. Because for all that it hurt, it was also as compelling as anything I’d ever seen on TV tat wasn’t real reality. So the next season or two; who cared? No one mattered to me. Once you’ve seen a person you love play the game, who wins and who loses seem unimportant. Yet you know they are feeling the pains and stresses, they have loved ones who feel as we do about our friend. So I watched. It’s still damned good TV

And then Lex went back again, for the All-Star show. And now it’s worse.

It’s worse because of all the reasons before; but now it’s personal. Personal because I know some of those people now. I’ve met a few. Know a lot more as friends of friends. But more, personal because they’re all friends with each other in real life. So it’s almost like watching old friends break up on TV for our entertainment.

Deeply surreal. Weird and painful and leaves a bad taste in the mouth. But I don’t dare look away.

And this time, even more, there’s the surrealism. Because last time, no one knew in advance. This time, though Lex could never say, we all knew that this show might happen, and we’d talked it over, ad nauseum, with each other, with Lex, what would happen, how he might play, who he’d like to be with. All well hashed over. And we’re not watching him with strangers; it felt like watching a party I might have in my back yard, but on TV. Oh, but the food would be better at my house and we’d all be cleaner.

And then Lex was voted off. And we won’t talk about the whys here, whatever happened, he’s my friend, I love the man, and I stand behind how he played.
But again, I had to watch the face of abject horror as he realized what was happening, and I felt that pain, could feel him watching it with his family, and – almost couldn’t watch. It was reality TV made too real. It hurt.

And then he’s on Regis. Lex. Showing tattoos I saw him get, and talking to Kelly Rippa about how the tattoos where done.

It’s just – truly, truly odd. Too real. Regis Philbin is a tiny annoying man about six inches high in the TV. He’s not real. So how’s he standing next to all-too-real Lex?

It still doesn’t make much sense to me. But in a silly, giggling, stoned sort of way. Different than watching your friend suffer for a game and for america’s entertainment. Very different.

But it’s all still strange.

I can only imagine how strange it must be for Lex himself.

“Andy Warhol must be laughing in his grave”
–Crowden House, ‘Chocolate Cake’

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