Never call, never write.

I’m having a terrible time with any sort of communication these days. I can’t seem to get a blog entry finished (I have at least a half dozen started). I’m not able to maintain an IM session for more than a few flirty comments. I’m not responding to email. I’m not able to maintain a […]

I’m having a terrible time with any sort of communication these days. I can’t seem to get a blog entry finished (I have at least a half dozen started). I’m not able to maintain an IM session for more than a few flirty comments. I’m not responding to email. I’m not able to maintain a conversation in SMS text.

I’m feeling sad and angry and withdrawn, and finding no good outlet for all this.

Part of it’s simple logistics. I just picked up a stack of new responsibilities at work – basically, I wound up the defacto owner of every major internal web site for all of my company’s hardware engineering organization. I didn’t exactly mean to do that, but once it started to pick up momentum in my direction, I wasn’t gonna stop it. But I’m having to un-do a lot of very bad work that contractors did, in a hurry. The goal is to eventually get this all into a content management system, but god knows how long THAT will take. So I’m suddenly a web monkey and having to figure out the basics of fucking css.

This is on top of my existing job; so now in effect I have two.

So that’s part of it. I just got an order of magnitude busier. I woke up thinking, not about my morning coffee or about what I’d like to be doing to some nasty little slut or about what I was gonna do with my weekend. I woke up thinking about fucking css and all the work I have to do.

But it’s more than that. I feel defeated in some way. I feel things in my life slipping away from me, people slipping away. And I feel like my own ability to communicate is going with all this.

I need to write. I need to create and communicate. Words are my tools, my way of knowing my universe, and when my command of language slips, I feel as if I’m disconnected.

I keep flashing on the last shot in the last episode of firefly; Jubal Early spinning in space, isolated and utterly alone in the universe, insulated by the thin skin of his space suit. And he says – “Well, here I am.” Like nothing matters so much.

For the first time in I can’t remember how many years, I got up this morning and didn’t check my email first thing. I get about 100 automated reports and notices every night, system statuses, database backup reports, disk space checkers. Same stuff every day. I always log in and check email first thing, in case something has gone badly haywire. And because, almost always, I have some conversation going with someone. And today I didn’t even open email until I’d made coffee, had some breakfast, settled four kid fights, looked at the usual morning news web sites.

I knew there was nothing but bad news in email. Bad news and empty silence. Well, here I am.

I need to fucking do something.

4 thoughts on “Never call, never write.”

  1. I feel your pain. August was all of that for me. It’s like all your biorythms all hit their worst cycle right at the same time. Work stress ramps up at the same time family stress ramps up at the same time IRL and online relationships fizzle, and it just seems like nobody is fucking listening, and there’s no way out and no time for the kind of serious distraction you need.

    It’s going to pass. It always does. For me, it took a hurricane to give me a sense of purpose, something to do. For you it’ll be something different.

    JournalCon will hopefully stir the pot and give new life to all this, chase away the opressive sameness. New faces, new stories, new kinds of trouble to get into.

    I’m on IM all the damn time and you got my number. You can rant at me any time.

  2. The past several months have been kind of nightmarish for me, too. I feel buried beneath responsibilities. Then, the emails and phone calls you’ve been waiting for turn out to be perfunctory and routine. I guess I’ll make it through, though…we all will.

  3. And here I just figured I wasn’t putting out enough… I mean I don’t even own a webcam for masterbation mishaps!

    Hey were all there… never enough time to ourselves and never enough time to share with others.

    I like the three flirt im sentances. But just in case your still blue. Promise to email you a note to say HELLO MORNING!

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