ICU

This is starting to feel like a death watch. My mother is getting moved up to an intensive care unit. Her breathing is declining; co2 is building up in her blood. They’re putting her on a cpap machine, but odds are she won’t tolerate it well (anxiety). The next step is a ventilator, and obviously, […]

This is starting to feel like a death watch.

My mother is getting moved up to an intensive care unit. Her breathing is declining; co2 is building up in her blood. They’re putting her on a cpap machine, but odds are she won’t tolerate it well (anxiety).

The next step is a ventilator, and obviously, once she’s on a ventilator, the odds that she’ll never come off go up.

A week ago doctors were telling me there’s nothing medically wrong with her; I’m wondering how they looked at a woman close to respiratory failure and came up with that.

The truth is that none of this surprises me. I knew a month ago that the curtain was drawing closed for her. She knew it too, on some level, when she started to say she couldn’t go on. I only wish there was a way to avoid all this, and ease her off now. Because they’re not going to save her; they’re only going to prolong pain. If she leaves the hospital in a week, she’ll be back in it in a mont or two, and meantime, she’ll gasp every damned breath and fear every waking moment.

I’m ok. Calmer than I felt a week ago. Death, I can handle; it’s the problem I can’t solve that troubles me. Now, for the first time in a month, I feel like I’ve done what I can do and the problem, one way or another, is going to take care of itself. And then I can get on with the business of mourning.

0 thoughts on “ICU”

  1. “Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to” by Sophocles

    You’ve been honest with yourself all along. You’ve known what’s coming, and where your mom was. You’ve done everything you can, and you’ve spent time with her. Time passes and the worst comes, and goes eventually. Leaving pain, memories and love in it’s wake.

    I wish that I could help more. Thinking of you and your family. Take care of them. Take care of yourself. In time, you’ll be able to breathe and dream again. *HUGS and HUGS and HUGS*

    “I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge – myth is more potent than history – dreams are more powerful than facts – hope always triumphs over experience – laughter is the cure for grief – love is stronger than death” by Robert Fulghum

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