Rejected by Orkut!

I got this page when I logged in today: http://www.orkut.com/accountsuspended.html Account Suspended. Why? They’re not saying. They’re not responding. No fucking idea. Don’t like it? I don’t either. Let admin@orkut.com know how you feel! Fuck you, you fucking fucks! Update – There’s now a ‘Free Karl Elvis’ community. See? It pays to have 200+ people […]

I got this page when I logged in today:

http://www.orkut.com/accountsuspended.html

Account Suspended.

Why?

They’re not saying. They’re not responding. No fucking idea.

Don’t like it? I don’t either. Let admin@orkut.com know how you feel!

Fuck you, you fucking fucks!


Update – There’s now a ‘Free Karl Elvis’ community. See? It pays to have 200+ people on your friend list.

On ourkut? Join up and share the love!

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Songs of the Cellblock

I swear to god, I’m leaving orkut, I really really am this time. Really. I hate it. ‘I’m gonna start tomorrow I’m gonna kick tomorrow… I’m gonna kick tomorrow…’ For some reason being in orkut jail saps my will to do anything else. I don’t want to write fiction, I don’t really feel that much […]

I swear to god, I’m leaving orkut, I really really am this time. Really. I hate it.

‘I’m gonna start tomorrow

I’m gonna kick tomorrow…
I’m gonna kick tomorrow…’

For some reason being in orkut jail saps my will to do anything else. I don’t want to write fiction, I don’t really feel that much like blogging – other than about fucking orkut fucking jail – I can’t concentrate on the email to friends I want to be writing, and worst (or best), I can’t seem to get any work done either. So where you’d think I’d be using this time and nervous energy to kick some ass around work, I’m task-swapping so fast I’m not doing any processing.

Funny thing is, this is spreading like a disease to other blogs. Is it a virus?

I even have a cool picture with lasers in the eyes made up by Rossana  Fischer
(www.wumanity.com). And I can’t even put it in my profile. I’m like Captain Jack Sparrow all locked up while Barbossa shells the jail. And yeah, I look just like Johnny Fucking Depp too, only with lasers!

Hell. Damn. Blast.

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You can get anything you want

“And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out. And friends they may thinks it’s a movement. And that’s what it is , the Alice’s Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and all you got to do to join is sing […]

And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it’s a movement.

And that’s what it is , the Alice’s Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come’s around on the
guitar.

A girl said to me (and let’s call her Squid Girl, because why not call her that?), the other day, she said:

“I find the blog phenomena really interesting (…) Tell me why you do it.”

And I said to myself (yeah, of course, because when ever I get to use this line), “Self,” I said…

It got me thinking though.

My flip answer was that I think blogging is stupid. And honestly, I sort of do think that. Most people have nothing to say. God knows don’t think I have anything much to say in a journal. That’s why I’ve never kept one apart from a few attempts while traveling.

So why do it?

First, let’s clarify. I don’t think all bloggers are wasting time. I can think of a good few people out there who really have something to say, who write well, or who are just doing something entertaining. They are, in effect, columnists. Like Dave Barry or Carl Hiaasen or Herb Caen or Jon Carrol or – insert your favorite. They just muse; that’s what these people do. They think about things, in writing. And if the writing is good, sometimes it doesn’t really matter what the thoughts are.

The problem is that blogging has turned into a “Phenomenon“. A – to quote old Arlo up there, a “Movement“. Which means simply that everyone is doing it.

And frankly, like 40 year old women dressed like toddlers, like men who wear sans-a-belt slacks, like people who think that clothes fit just because you can get into them; like all those people, some just shouldn’t.

I’m one to talk, right?

The thing is, I don’t have my shit up on clix. I don’t have it on livejournal (well, ok, there’s a link there, I keep forgetting). I don’t publicize it or tell people to go to it, and I’m honestly a little shocked when someone says “I read your blog”. I do this stuff for myself only.

Why do people read these things? I don’t know. Is it like reality TV? Is that what blogs are? We wanna take a voyeuristic peek into some else’s life so we can scoff (*scoff*scoff*), so we can empathize, so we can say, “There, but for the grace of {insert deity of choice here} go I“?

Why else?

Of course people who blog about sex, that’s obvious. You might read something dirty and get a little thrill (and that’s what disapproval is, a thrill), without stooping so low and to read dreaded pornography. So let’s set that one aside.

So what is it? We’re not all really that interesting, us humans. Most of us are so mind-numbingly boring that it’s a wonder we can go through the day.

But people have to be reading. Or else there would not be so many sites dedicated to blogging, so many tools, so many orkut groups. So many services that can actually *charge* people to host a blog. If no one is reading, what’s the point in all this?

So why do I do it?

Why the fuck not, right?

Honestly, that’s how much sense it makes.

This all started as geek curiosity. I wanted to see how Movable Type worked. Was curious about the interface and the tools behind it. So when I moved my web page to a new server and was offered a blog, I said – yeah, sure, but I won’t do much with it.

And I didn’t for a couple months. Fiddled with it. drove it around, kicked the tires. And then I got bored and decided to write an entry.

And you know what? That was kind of fun.

After that, I said to myself (wait for it…), I said, why not try using this as a writing project, keep the chops up, maybe it will help me get back to writing the fiction I want to write. If not, at least it’s a good exercise in writing essays.

So I started doing it. At first to muse about writing itself, but you know how I get distracted. So then it was just for the hell of it, if I had an idea I wanted to write about, or just because I felt like writing.

But people found it. Not that I was hiding or anything, I actually was sending out notices about updates for a while. But people I never told accidentally tripped and fell in. Which was a shock to me.

So what is it with the “blog phenomenon” (I want reverb on that)? When’s it going away? How many of it’s fifteen minutes are up?

All I know is, when I first heard about it (from my friend Mickey Sattler, whom I know from the Utilikilts mailing list), I was derisive and dismissive. And yet now, I have a growing list of blogs I try to keep up with. And to my amazement, I’m doing this.

And still have no idea why.


So ObOrkut commentary.

I swear to god it’s a drug. When you have it you want more, when you are jailed and can’t get it, you need it like a spike in your skinny white junkie arm.

More. And more. More friends. More groups.

But you know what? I’m actually making real friends there. That’s the shocker. Because that’s sort of what it was made for. And even though we’re all out to twist and pervert and use the system, I’m finding – hell, I like some of these people. Some of ’em I’d very much like to actually hand out with.

Alas, most in faraway places like chicago or australia conecticut or brazil or canada. Or maybe not alas in some of these cases to save me some – ah – trouble. But still. I’ve met some bitchin’ folk.

It’s funny though. How quickly the place is developing a culture. It’s been around only a few weeks and already there’s cultural ebb and flow, there are celebrities and villains. There are laser beams in people’s eyes.

It’s nutty. In some ways it’s akin to the glory (hole) days of usenet, only in extreme fast forward. Like it’s going through the development and propagation; any day now we’ll have the equivalent of when AOL hit usenet, and the slide into stupidity will begin. I’m counting the days or weeks that is stays so giddily entertaining, it can’t last. But for now it’s as much fun as I’ve had on the net in quite a number of years.

Not only that, but I get to write like a hillbilly in phonetic broken english. How often do you get a whole bunch of people all doing that?

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Distractions

I have the attention span of a woodpecker. Which is to say I’m easily distracte — ohh! Shiny! (I’m sorry, I stole that joke from my friend Beano, but she can have it back, she does it better) This is why I sat down today to make an entry – no, wait, that was yesterday […]

I have the attention span of a woodpecker.

Which is to say I’m easily distracte — ohh! Shiny!

(I’m sorry, I stole that joke from my friend Beano, but she can have it back, she does it better)

This is why I sat down today to make an entry – no, wait, that was yesterday – wait, saturday – ah, whatever fucking day it was – and instead spent two days fiddling with cascading style sheets, php, javascripts, and blah blah blah ginger.

So this why it’s possible you are now reading this with a too-cool-but-sort-of-annoying matrix look to it, unless I’ve already grown bored with that, or unless I have gotten really ambitious (and fucked off a lot at work) and gotten the style-switcher function in place so you’re seeing this any damned way you please.

But we were talking about distraction. I must have gotten — oh, Shiny!

This is what happens to me. I sit down to write something and will take any excuse not to. Oh, first I need coffee. Wait, now I need some food. Oh, this music isn’t right, where’s that first album by, oh, man, these CD’s need to be organized, I’ll just — Ooh! Look! I forgot I had this one, I should play it. Wait, I need to hook up the stereo to the good speakers and…. And I need some more coffee now.

Yeah. It’s like that. And that’s the horror of the internet for people like me. The tools of my trade, and the tools of my – um – whatever writing is, hobby sounds wrong – are also the greatest source of distraction in my life. Here, clickity-click, is my email, some music, shopping, porn, an article on the mating habits of the capybara, political diatribe, computer-date-matching, (I’m an elk, looking for a wombat, for casual dating and maybe cross–species monkey business. Mmm, with monkeys!), porn, chit-chat, discographies for bands I don’t even like, dictionaries (don’t get me started, I’m gone for days once I’m in a dictionary), blogs and porn and recipes and – well, porn.

Some days I think I should cut the damned wire and turn my computer back into a fancy typewriter (which is sort of how my mother-in-law thinks of it).

But you know, that might be right when the email comes in, the one I REALLY REALLY NEED to READ RIGHT NOW.

So here’s were I should talk about exactly how far broken safety glass can go in a garage (any garage – ok, my garage) when it’s flexed beyond it’s natural range. But that story might make me look stupid. Let’s just say that the majority of my day, when not working on making the blog nobody reads user-configurable, was spent sweeping up a tiny, tiny hash of shiny (Oooh! Shiny!) fragments of safety glass from my garage floor.

And you know what? Now, it’s sure to rain. That always happens when I take the top off my jeep, even when I don’t break the mother fucking rear window of the hard top. If there wasn’t enough weather mojo just from removing the top, this seals the deal. 40 days and 40 nights, call me Noah, and load up the ark with goth girls, two by two.

You know, my garage floor is swept really clean now. At least there’s that. Only, I’m sure to be the one who finds the shard I missed, and I’m sure to find it with my foot. Because that’s how luck is running. Trip to vegas? Nah, not this season.


So I promised myself I would not blog about orkut ever again. That lasted – oh, what time is it now – at least a few minutes. But I’ve entered a new phase as an orkut user. I’m no longer simply trying to collect my friends and show off how cool I am by which communities I have. I’ve crossed over. I’m now a friend slut. I’m friending people I don’t even know because they 1) up my friend count, and 2) look good in my list of friends.

“Hi, I’m Karl Elvis, and I’m an Orkut Friend Slut

Somebody stop me. Please.


Ooh, slap the cuffs on me.

I just got put in Orkut Jail.

More on the whys and hows of this later, but it seems some automated evil-doer filter caught me in the nefarious act of posting something (the horror!), and now my account has been suspended and my picture replaced with this image.

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Under Deconstruction

If this looks funky, have patience. Or not. See if I care. I’m fiddling about with new templates. Trying to find something that looks cool but is still easy to read. Tell me if you think this sucks. I’m using style sheets from http://www.movablestyle.com. I keep changing my mind about this matrix template. On the […]

If this looks funky, have patience. Or not. See if I care.

I’m fiddling about with new templates. Trying to find something that looks cool but is still easy to read.

Tell me if you think this sucks.

I’m using style sheets from http://www.movablestyle.com.


I keep changing my mind about this matrix template. On the one hand it’s trendy and stupid but on the other hand, it looks really cool.

I don’t know if I’m going to keep it or not. I just installed it as a lark.


I’m trying to get this cool functionality working where you the reader can choose your own style as on the “movablestyle” link above, but I have not quite figured it out. I fear there’s some piece I’m missing. When I get it though, it will be COOL.

This site does the same thing:

http://year.sniper8.com/

But in a different way.

This is taxing my limited knowledge of javascript and PHP, but it’s entertaining.


Feh. Found the info to get the php solution working. Not as easy as I thought, and may require hackery of the base MT install on my server. Since I am a guest on someone else’s install, this may mean the hackery is too disruptive; we’ll see about that. On the other hand, if I get it working, any blog on the server could take advantage of this cool you-choose-the-look feature. Which I think rocks.

For now, I’m leaving the stupid matrix template up until someone complains.

Did I mention I’m a geek?

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Different or just old?

So one of the effects Orkut has had on me is to think a lot about the past. One of the favorite games (at least for those of us who’ve been on the net since god was still in his diapers) is to locate people we have no t seen or talked to in many […]

So one of the effects Orkut has had on me is to think a lot about the past.

One of the favorite games (at least for those of us who’ve been on the net since god was still in his diapers) is to locate people we have no t seen or talked to in many many years. I’ve found a few, some who I’ve friended (and it’s funny that “friend” is suddenly a verb), others whom I’ve noticed but not yet friended.

And while I’m on that, let me digress for a second. Ever have those words you can’t ever seen to type correctly? ‘Teh‘ is my old standby, but suddenly it’s ‘frined‘. I even say it out loud as I type it (a habit I picked up from a dyslexic friend), ‘F-R-I-E-N-D’, and then as I say it, still type ‘frined‘. It’s like my hands have an auxiliary spelling engine which just does not agree with my brain.

But anyway…

There are a lot of old friends that I’ve not found yet. I keep checking, seeing if they turn up. If I had email addresses for some of them I’d send ’em an invite, for some, but for others it’s just a question of “Whatever happened to…”

So with all this thought of old friends must come, I suppose, internal review.

Now, by nature I turn the microscope inwards almost constantly, so it’s not like there are vast expanses (I wanted to sage “huge tracts but don’t start me on that) of my psyche unexplored. I know where the bodies are buried and which corners hold the cobwebs and who’s living in that dungeon under the secret trap door (No wait, that’s my house, not my head, forget I said that).

But this is more about the measurements taken over time.

I recently looked up a name I’ve had in my head for a long time, and got a hit on it. Someone I was really good friends with a LONG time ago (universe far far away, as they say), when I worked at Sun and socializing by email was a new and thrilling concept. Person I’ve not talked to in a lot of years.

So you wonder, when this happens, how said person has changed. Did they get old? Did they get boring? Settled down? Wilder than ever? Did they dreams they talked about when they were young ever pan out?

And then this flips. How have I changed since then?

I’m trying to put a time frame on this. I’m finding that I started work at Sun – um – *cough*nineteen*cough* years ago. And left there six years later. So I’m talking somewhere in that time frame. Say fifteen years.

So. Wow. I’m the same, right? Fifteen years?

I was 27 then. I was childless. I was still working on the business side of high tech, hadn’t made my great leap over to engineering (Net? We don’t need no steeenking’ net!). Hadn’t yet taken up diving. Was writing, but didn’t yet know what I was doing. I had only a few tattoos, but was known far and wide as father of bodyart on the net (I actually had fans).

I was still mean. I still looked for people to fight with on a daily basis. I still felt I needed to prove I was SMARTER THAN YOU. Chip on my shoulder? No, not so much. More a slab.

I had a mullet.

I was hanging out with bands, roadie and bouncer and sound guy and driver and whatever I needed to do to be a part of the scene, not just a guy on the scene. I drank like a fish, often starting the party after midnight and getting home after dawn.

It’s been a long time.

But am I different? Or do I just do different things?

Having children changes a person. Or it should, I guess it doesn’t always. It changed me. I sold the fastest motorcycle I’ve ever owned just before my first kid was born. I had a moment of clarity after two possibly fatal near-crashes in one week, and traded that bike on something big and slow and heavily chromed. There are a million other changes but that one is a good metaphor. I had to give away part of being a child in exchange for having to be parent and protector and anchor for a family.

But there’s more. Time and life experience, financial responsibility, business successes and failures. Friendships. Relationships. Loves and heart-breaks (ok, a dozen of these a day, what can I say?). Emotional breakdowns and rebirths.

I’m tempted to say something about finding one’s self, but that implies I was missing. And while I can’t find my car-keys and – oh, there are my glasses, up on top of my head – I don’t think it’s really that. Not finding myself, but maybe getting to a point of comfort with who I am. What I can do, what I want, what I need.

So then the question, thinking back on then, and fast-forwarding to now, is always one of “will we connect”?

I spoke to an old friend a month or two ago. My childhood “best friend”, David. I could write a long piece on David, he’s a character. He introduced me to comics (First comic? ‘Kamadi, the last boy on earth’. Silly, but hell, it was Jack King Kirby, so that’s allright, baby!), he introduced me to Zappa. I introduced him to pot, and Edgar Rice Burroughs, and Tolkien. We drifted a apart in highschool, he moved away. I have not talked to him since my last trip back east, 18 years or so ago. Wonder of the internet, though, I tracked him down recently and we found, in a strange conversation where he was wired on too much coffee and maybe booze and I was feverish with flu and it was 2am here, that we still connect, as ever. Music and books and likes and opinions, politics and a shared experience growing up with 60’s radical parents. It was a beautiful moment for both of us, finding that, with all our divergent parts, we are still friends and still like each other and feel that soul connection you can’t really forge when you’re older that 20 or so without love being involved.

So – are we different? or are we just old?

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No time to write about no time

It’s one of those things. I want to bitch about not having time to write. But I don’t have time to write it. Chicken or Egg? Nevermind, we’ll stick with bacon. Work’s been just getting worse and worse. Well, that makes it sound like work is bad and that’s not true; I have a good […]

It’s one of those things.

I want to bitch about not having time to write.

But I don’t have time to write it.

Chicken or Egg?

Nevermind, we’ll stick with bacon.

Work’s been just getting worse and worse. Well, that makes it sound like work is bad and that’s not true; I have a good job for a great boss working for a cool and generally fair company. I like where I work (that fruit-flavored computer company), I like who I work for, I like who I work with. But – well, when they say you have to do more with less, in our case they’re saying the work of ten men with two. It’ll get better in a while, but what’s unknown is, for what value of “a while”.

But the upshot is, writing takes a hit. I’ve gone from barely time to write to no time to write. And it is, frankly, pissin’ me off. Because I am still an idea factory, with stuff I wanna blog about, stuff I wanna work on stories about, and that pile of stories started and not completed. That “met her at a funeral” story is calling me, as is the Wanton followup.

Grumble. Grumble? And did I say, Grumble!

But I should talk about “Guy!”

This is a cute little kid story. Stop here if you’re not down with that.

There’s this Orkut deal. It’s stupid, it’s fun, everyone’s doing it, other than those of you who aren’t.

But my orkut profile has this picture.

Now, my friend (we’ll call her) Laura, who’s also a member of Orkut (and suddenly I’m hearing betty boop, from a cartoon called “Bimbo’s Initiation”- “wanna be a member, wanna be a member!”. Ok, you had to be there, nevermind), and her little girl, who’s like 18 months, has become completely obsessed with my picture. She points, and demands. She wants mom to go back to the picture. “Guy!” she says. “Guy! Guy! Guy!”.

It was becoming a problem. Mom could not even read her email without the girl climbing onto her lap; “Guy! Guy! Guy!”. I finally had to send her the original of the photo, and she printed it. So now she gives the little girl my picture to hold while Mom checks her email. The little girl carries it around mumbling “guy… guy… guy…”

Wait, there are some punchlines.

The dad, Paul, stepped out of the shower the other day, and the little girl had left the picture on the bathroom floor. So there’s my maniacally grinning face looking up at him.

We met them the other night. The little girl had never seen me in person before. She was shy, hiding, pointing; “guy? guy? Guy!”. Paul observed I’m some sort of rock star now, for the toddler set.

So then, sort of to pay me back for all the hilarity I have generated in his house, Paul made me this. Which I feel captures the true, inner me.

Ok, so that’s enough cute kid story.

I need a fucking vacation. I need to be deep, deep underwater somewhere, narced out of my skull, or on a rocking boat watching pretty girls get out of skin-tight wetsuits. I need to be where the beaches are sandy and the water is warm and – the girls are in skin tight wetsuits, or nothing at all.

Rum? Rum. Rum!

Wait, I feel the pirate voice about to come back.

Ok. It’s past. I can go on.

I know just the island. And it’s calling to me. Baby, here I come.

Sigh.

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Shhh! They’re listening!

So is a blog different when you know people are reading? That’s my question to ask of myself. “Self,” I ask… So I just had my first ‘I found your blog via your web page from…‘ feedback, which startled me. I mean, I know a couple people read this, but it’s not like I’ve gone […]

So is a blog different when you know people are reading?

That’s my question to ask of myself. “Self,” I ask…

So I just had my first ‘I found your blog via your web page from…‘ feedback, which startled me. I mean, I know a couple people read this, but it’s not like I’ve gone out of my way to send people here. I do this for me, mostly. Actually I was sort of waiting to see if anyone actually found it by accident, which, to my surprise, happened.

So suddenly today – yesterday – I felt like I suddeny had to write somehing more important because, y’know, people are paying attention.

Blog Fright?

Something.

But it could be something else. I still have a a brain that’s made mostly from wood (cue ‘Little Wooden Head‘) from last week’s attack of bio-engineered-respiritory-system-dwelling-crab-people or whatever was in there. I can’t say I’m operating at anything like 100% capacity (hell, I’m lucky most days if I can reach a solid 50%, so I think ‘m down in single digits right now). So maybe my creativity has gone off to hide where lost socks go and it will turn up in a few days, static-clung to my hipster-coolguy-lucky13 shirt or my black-ninja-BDU-swat-team pants.

Crackle! Ah! Here it is! Now can I re-attach this with soap? Wendy? Can you sew this on please?

And think happy thoughts.

And I’d like to point out, I’m already over quota (over-quota? Somebody stop me) for hyphens in this entry, and have yet to say anything. Quick, send more hyphens!


And so endeth an era.

I gave up my SF 49ers season tickets yesterday.

After staying with the team through the firing of a good coach (George Siefert), hiring an unknown (Mooch), rebuilding and then more rebuilding, and sucking and then not sucking and then kind of sucking, firing of a great coach (Mooch) for an insane reason, and various and sundry mis-management, after staying for all that and proving I’m a fan by watching when the games sucked, and paying for a seat is a stadium that is a fucking pig sty…

It feels weird.

There’s a history. A friend-of-a-friend-of-a-(wait while I open another pack of hyphens)-friend sort of story. These tickets belong to this guy, but his kids stopped going (one moved away, the other moved farther away). But my friend James (and let’s just say right here, James fucking rules, but we’ll get to that later) sort of inherited one of these tickets, and my friend Chad inherited the other (Wait, I need a whole entry for Friends who Rule). So I got the extra stray ticket over the years, a game or two, then more. Finally the owner of said tickets gave up on going to every game, and the other two offered me control of that seat since I’d proved fandom. And so it’s been for several years now. Another friend, Eric (my best-dive-buddy-and-brother-I-never-had-but-with-questionable-politics) picked up the adjacent seat when it became available.

These seats have been in the family, so to speak, since ’81. I’ve been going for – I dunno. A lotta years now. James and Chad for a lot more. And it’s been good, good when the team won, good when the team lost, even good when we left early for what turned out to be the biggest come-from-behind win in playoff history vs the NY Giants.

But now. Now, with new families, busier jobs, tighter finances, and more interests taking our time and money; now, with the team’s management in a tailspin, and our top players being released, and our stadium ever more a pig-sty (And later, I shall tell the story of the hanging pigeon, a story with no end now, it seems, or no end I shall ever know).

And a brief aside – in a chat window, just now, I typed:

    Here’s a concept:
    Teletubby phone sex.
    Think on that.

And so I suggest to you – yes, think on that.

But anyway (This is bloging for the short-attention-span), with all this, we came to the conclusion, collectively, that the money and the commitment were too much given our growing level of frustration with the team and the facilities and our own shrinking time availabilities.

It was a strange and emotional moment. Like giving up on a team I’ve been supporting since the early 80’s. I know it’s not quite like that, and I’m still a fan and will still go to games when possible, but it did feel strange.

Now remind me about the pigeon story later…

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Here’s to modern medicine

First, wefunkradio.com. Listen at work. Listen at home. I wish I could listen in the car. This shit is The Funk, y’all. It’s spring here in northern California, or close to it. How can you tell? Well, there are some signs. The cherry trees are in bloom. We’re having freak storms and torrential downpours, or […]

First, wefunkradio.com. Listen at work. Listen at home. I wish I could listen in the car.

This shit is The Funk, y’all.


It’s spring here in northern California, or close to it.

How can you tell?

Well, there are some signs. The cherry trees are in bloom. We’re having freak storms and torrential downpours, or were yesterday.

And my allergies just turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis. Weee.

My regular doctor – who I could talk about for a while, the man’s a character – is out of town with no warning again. So I’m forced to go to the local auxiliary doctor at the walk-in joint.

Now, this man’s an ok doctor. And he has an encyclopedic knowledge of the sorts of strange infections one can get in the tropics from his time as an army doctor. Only, we’re not in the tropics, we’re in northern California. So I’m forced to tell HIM what my diagnosis is, and tell him what to prescribe for it. Which makes sense considering my years of medical training – wait, months – wait, wee… Oh, wait, my fuck-all medical training. But doctor-baby, I know bronchitis and sinusitis when I have it. Trust me.

So then while he’s prescribing some cocktail of new allergy meds (Hell, I’m the illegitimate child of Raoul Duke, I’m not afraid to try untested chemicals. Can I have some ether and amyls with that?), I wind up giving *him* advice on his home central heating. Hello? Not a contractor! Not a heating expert! Software engineer here. What the *fuck* do I know about central heating, other than that my heater was, until recently, Chock Full o’ Rats.

So here’s my question. I did the diagnosis. And I consulted on his home environment maintenance needs. He listened to my heart and took my temperature and blood pressure (And I could have told him what he’d find).

Aren’t we even now? All he had to do was write a scrip.

So why do I owe him a c-note for this?

Mystery to me, I tell ‘ya. How do I get a gig like this?


So if you have not already signed up for Orcut.com, tell me and I’ll send you an invite. It’s stupid, I have to warn you up front, but it’s also sort of entertaining; it’s akin to friendster. Here is an article about it. How can you not – um – have an opinion on the phrase “Social Networking Service”?


Ok, so I just started reading this book (while I’m in between HST books). And – well – I’m rendered speechless.

Eastern Standard Tribe by Cory Doctorow.

Two pages in, and I was left with my mouth hanging open, stunned to the point where I had to stop reading. This man is my new writing hero.

If this book goes on as great as the first five or six pages – well, let’s just hope.

I’ve read him before – his first book, Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom was clever as hell but suffered a little bit (IMO) from having too many clever ideas fighting for space in one small book. Still, it’s a terrific read, particularly if you’re a big ‘ol freak for Disney like I am.

But this book – at least the start of it – is an order of magnitude more mature in terms of the writing. This is the sort of writer I always want to emulate.

I read a lot of great big fantasy bricks and multi-book series. And some really damned great writers turn out stuff like that; GRR Martin, GG Kay, JL Burke, Bujold, Cherryh. Lots of people. And I like their work and their skill and their craft. BUt when I read a writer and say – That’s it, that’s what I want to do, how I want to write, it’s always one of the short and tight and concise, no-words-wasted sort of writers. That’s what I aim for when I write fiction. Thus when I run across some piece of writing like the excerpt below, I am impressed and envious and inspired to go get back to those stories I have sitting unfinished.

I include an excerpt here for one reason – Cory has this available for free download from his site. If you want it, tell me, but you HAVE to follow his rules.
I’m not posting a direct link to his download site but it’s not hard to find. What I *will* post is a link to buy this thing, because if you’re going to read his work, you should pay the man his hunk o’ change IMO.

That said, here’s the excerpt. This is the beginning of the book.

(Wait – I kid you not, auxiliary doctor-man just *called me* to ask me more heating questions. I swear, he’s going to have to pay my in blanl perscription pads or a big ‘scrip for versed or something. C’mon, doc, throw down!)



I once had a Tai Chi instructor who explained the difference between Chinese and Western medicine thus: “Western medicine is based on corpses, things that you discover by cutting up dead bodies and pulling them apart. Chinese medicine is based on living flesh, things observed from vital, moving humans.”

The explanation, like all good propaganda, is stirring and stilted, and not particularly accurate, and gummy as the hook from a top-40 song, sticky in your mind in the sleep-deprived noontime when the world takes on a hallucinatory hypperreal clarity. Like now as I sit here in my underwear on the roof of a sanatorium in the back woods off Route 128, far enough from the perpetual construction of Boston that it’s merely a cloud of dust like a herd of distant buffalo charging the plains. Like now as I sit here with a pencil up my nose, thinking about homebrew lobotomies and wouldn’t it be nice if I gave myself one.

Deep breath.

The difference between Chinese medicine and Western medicine is the dissection versus the observation of the thing in motion. The difference between reading a story and studying a story is the difference between living the story and killing the story and looking at its guts.

School! We sat in English class and we dissected the stories that I’d escaped into, laid open their abdomens and tagged their organs, covered their genitals with polite sterile drapes, recorded dutiful notes en masse that told us what the story was about, but never what the story was. Stories are propaganda, virii that slide past your critical immune system and insert themselves directly into your emotions. Kill them and cut them open and they’re as naked as a nightclub in daylight.

The theme. The first step in dissecting a story is euthanizing it: “What is the theme of this story?”


Go buy it, ok?

Read more “Here’s to modern medicine”

Fat Tuesday

First, music. I have “Detachable Penis” stuck in my head after hearing it on the radio today. I can’t find a good link, but here is a not terrible one for King Missile. To put it simply, they’re fucking weird. Everyone needs to hear “Detachable Penis” at least once, but my favorite King Missile song […]

First, music.

I have “Detachable Penis” stuck in my head after hearing it on the radio today. I can’t find a good link, but here is a not terrible one for King Missile. To put it simply, they’re fucking weird. Everyone needs to hear “Detachable Penis” at least once, but my favorite King Missile song is Gary and Melissa. I found to my dismay I actually don’t own a single CD by them, but am resolving this as we speak.

So for anyone who cares, I’m getting that Thomas Dolby LP I whined about the other night ripped to Mp3 by a friend. If you want the original version of Radio Silence, the one that didn’t suck, the one that was the best song on Golden Age of Wireless before Dolby screwed it up, let me know and we’ll work something out.

Which leads me to the rest of this blog entry. If only I had one.

Meanwhile go read this. This is fucking awesome – an entry in TranceJen’s blog about marks and scars and self-destruction. S’fucking brilliant: Letter Re: My Heart

That’s certainly better than anything I’ve got to say.

———-

So anyway, Today is Fat Tuesday. Someone asked me today what I’m giving up for Lent.

What, I thought, The Fuck?

I dunno. I’m sort of mystified by the idea. But the tradition seems sort of entertaining. Binge on life’s pleasures, cast them away for a fortnight (or whatever), and then be cleansed spiritually and physically; start again.

I should be there (In New Orleans or other points south and east of here), reveling, drinking, dancing, carousing and flinging beads and doubloons in trade for sexual favors and glimpses of luscious flesh. Dressed as a pirate or some dashing rogue, snatching kisses and vise-versa.

Alas. Here I sit, still working late of an evening, sipping water and lamenting on the lack of carousal allowed by modern life. Where is my rapine? Where, my pillage?

I’m coming to get you. All of you. Lock your doors, or not, I do not care.

Ah. One could wish.

Instead, I shall go watch vampires fight puppets. Hey, it beats working. (And that will be a whole ‘nother blog entry)

Read more “Fat Tuesday”