AA hasn’t really been in my life much during the past year. Just a few meetings, really, to pick up a chip or say hi to friends. I’ve been fine on my own. I haven’t needed meetings, and honestly, when you don’t really need them, sometimes those meetings can be real bloody boring. Annoying, even. The slogans, the cliches, the same old drunkalogue stories you’ve heard a hundred times before.
But self-centered thinking led me away from a tenet of AA that I forgot. Step Twelve. To take the message to other suffering alcoholics and addicts, in the hope that they too can find a way to live. And in doing so, to reaffirm your own sobriety.
Basically, I had gotten what I needed, and then I said “see ya” and never looked back.
That is until recently, when a good friend, somebody who I have grown to care about a lot over the past few months, who I had watched slip from unhappiness to despair to insanity under a barrage of pills and booze, finally hit the basement. Hard.
I’ve had long email conversations with this person, talking about suicide and emotional trauma and substance abuse. Sometimes I’ve been scared, stuck in that middle ground between needing to tell somebody and not wanting to betray confidences. Wondering if speaking out would be meddling, or if silence would equal death.
Interventions are always so easy on TV. Real life is more complicated.
The bottom came last week. And I’ve walked back into AA meetings, with my friend now a temporary sponsee (until a more appropriate sponsor can be found). And in trying to explain the program to a newbie, I’ve been able to re-examine my own complacency towards my sobriety. I’ve had to put into words certain thoughts I’ve been having that, if I’d shared them with my own sponsor, would have him calling bullshit on me.
I’ve become another AA cliche. Practicing the Twelfth Step has led me full circle to re-examing my attitudes towards Step One.
And if I’m totally honest with myself, I’d probably have to say “just in time”.
P.S. I’d appreciate any leads on where the cool kids go to meetings in post-Katrina NOLA AA. Email is fine (ragicali at yahoo dot com). Anonymity preserved, obviously.
Step the Twelfth
Posted in sobriety
I can’t point you to the cool kids twelve step meetings (I can’t count that high without taking off my shoes anyway). But I can say, brutha, that you’re the fuckin’ man.
I’m with KE, hon.
You’re the man.
Though sobriety ain’t my thing, I’ve told you before that I admire that you’ve been sober (I think that was on your anniversary).
One funny thing came to mind when I read this post, and it should’ve hit me a long time ago.
When I went to the “don’t kill yourself” doctor and she told me I had to quit drinking for a year before she would even think about drugs or psychoanalysis (however that’s spelled), she never mentioned AA.
No, she gave me a hookup to an outpatient detox program that my insurance covered.
And to think I flipped her off, on my way out, for just not giving me “treatment” before a year of sobriety.
What a money grubbing bitch.
I’m glad your friend had you there to help. But it must have been hard to see that person in as much trouble as you once were in. Others probably would have walked away.
Ray,
I appreciate your honesty and upfrontness with this. Some of us .. can quit one thing but then take up another in its stead. Alcohol .. the internet … drugs .. a revolving door. It seems that the deeper you feel the deeper you go. Sometimes it’s surprising how on the edge you can be inside but still be functioning on the outside.
-Mike
Hey, darlin’. Sorry we didn’t connect again, but Sat/Sun were complete whirlwinds (in a good way). I had things to say about this post, some of which were said in person Friday night.
My only objection to the program is that I think it’s incomplete, a good start, and that the “cure” lies in finding the underlying sources for our need for shame. When we are no longer in the grip of the need to feel that painful twist of shame deep down inside, then we are free. JMHO.
Peace.
Oops…one more thing: I hope you’re getting settled in okay.
Yeah, we’re settling a bit. Still trying to figure out all the stuff in the house that doesn’t work, but all in all it’s been a nice transition.
Sorry I missed you again this weekend, sounds like you had fun though.
I really did have a great time. It’s a great city. Take care.