Ray in Exile

As usual, I didn’t get my ass in gear early enough to get us dinner reservations for Valentine’s, but Gina managed to get us an early table for two at 6:15 at Mars.
We like Mars a lot, and we’ve eaten many fine meals there. It’s not the absolute best restaurant in Austin, but it’s a good balance between “nice” and casual. It’s reliable, it’s got a quirky menu with lots of veggie selections for Gina and game dishes for me, and a decent wine list (at least I remember it did).
Now I know Valentine’s Day is a crappy night to dine out, it’s a terrible night to visit a place for the first time, and so that’s why we tend to stick to tried-and-true places like Mars. But tonight takes the cake. Literally.
Don’t get me wrong, the food ranged from good to awesome. But the portions were tiny. I mean microscopic.
She started with an appetizer with hearts of palm (two, to be exact, each about half the size of your pinky) with fava beans (about 10), and I got the littleneck clams. Five of them. Little. They were good, the beans were undercooked a little is all.
For soup, we each had the cauliflower creme, which was unbelievably good.
And then we each had the striped bass with something-something butter on a bed of chard. This looked like one of those “tiny portions stacked high” dishes where they forgot to add on past the first floor. About a 3 oz piece of fish on top of two pieces of chard. It was very tasty. It was also gone in two minutes.
And that was it. We thought the whole situation was kind of funny, actually, but we were both really hungry and were discussing where we were going to drive through on the way home to get some real food when the waiter pops by to give us our dessert options. He described some fancy chocolate brownie espresso kahlua thing that sounded fabulous, and which we guessed was the kind of giant chocolate death thing that they bring with two spoons. And then poached pears in a port wine reduction. We’re both off chocolate right now, so we opted for the pears.
We’re thinking “this is where they make up some volume, right?”
Wrong.
Five bites each. And only because it was pre-sliced into five bites. I could have done the whole thing in two without offending Ms. Manners. We saw the waiters carrying the chocolate thing to other tables, and it was equally meager.
3 course dinner + dessert (that left us starving). One cocktail, one glass of wine, two near-beers. Tip.
$190.
I’m sorry, but Mars is not that good.
Now look, I understand that Americans have become accustomed to massive food portions. I grok the whole “Supersize Me” thing. But dang it, you don’t spend $100 per person on dinner and walk out of the place wanting to stop off for a burger on the way home. It ain’t right.
On the way home we stopped at Central Market and picked up a carrot cake. It was damn good, and filling, too.