Hiromi_X

Resolutions for 2008: No more self-criticism. I'm not saying one more negative thing about myself. I'm finished with that. I've deconstructed my old self enough already; it's time to build. And no more doomsday scenarios. Everything's going to be okay somehow. I know it.

I can pinpoint the time I came to that realization with a certain amount of precision: Wednesday around 3:30 pm.

On Tuesday, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while. She told me how happy she was to see me, that others missed me too, and all the good things about me that they missed. And something clicked in my head: Yes. I am those things. The next day, I was telling someone at work, one of those admin people who know absolutely everything, who knows all about who says what to whom and why, about my worries about not getting ahead. She sort of smiled and said, "As highly as the people around here think of you, it would be strange if you didn't."

I was thrilled to hear that, of course. But on the heels of that feeling, I thought, I'm not worthy because people think I'm worthy, people think I'm worthy because I AM worthy.

About a week before either of the above events, I related some painful details about my past to two people. Although I didn't go into exhaustive details, I've never gotten that specific before.

Weeks before that disclosure, I had been acting strangely, getting angry at the drop of a hat.

I think my mind has been preparing itself to let go of things that have ossified over the years, gaining layers of sediment and growing heavier and heavier. Sedimented growths like that are big and ugly from the outside, but if you open them and cut past the growths, you will find the small hurts inside. You can pick them up and let them go.

There have been people telling me all along how wonderful I am. I used to think that these were rare and unusual people, the likes of whom I won't encounter again. Now I see that's not the case; I was simply lucky to meet people who responded to good things in me, and to whom I responded in turn. I know this will happen again and again in the future.

I'm traveling to that place I never thought I'd reach: I think that sometime soon, I will be able to look at the past without regret. I've always said that it's a horrible thing to live in regret. I still think that's true, but not in a self-punishing way. I used to think that the only way to avoid living in regret is to do everything right the first time. Because of that, I spent so much time in my head reliving the past, wishing in vain for a "do-over." Now I know that I can live without regret by learning to accept and let go and fucken look ahead.

The rest of my life is going to be very, very good. Not easy, of course, but good.