Hiromi_X
Anger revisited
One of the gentlest, strongest people I ever met is a woman who was raped about a year and a half ago. Throughout the entire ordeal of recovering from it and going through the trial (the evil bastard was convicted and sent to jail), she was worried most about the effect on her children and on her totally unworthy husband. That asshole kept asking her why she didn't fight back, and when she asked him why he kept pushing her away, he answered "How would you feel if I cheated on you?" Yes. Such assholes exist.
She would cry as she related this and other things. One day, she was talking sadly about how she couldn't bring herself to unpack after a move, a move that was necessary because the rapist googled her and found her address and threatened retaliation against her and her family. Agitated, she complained about not having the energy to do this or that. After listening to this for a while, I looked at her and said, "It sounds like you're angry," and she burst into tears. For whatever reason, she couldn't bring herself to actually express anger. She resisted it her whole life. She didn't fight back when her husband said shitty things to her. She would cry in sadness, but she wouldn't get angry. This fear of expressing anger was causing her to be stuck in the place she was in. She couldn't move forward.
I'm her opposite. I have no trouble getting angry. It's an almost instinctive response. Even as a child, I would break my toys in a fit of anger. I'd regret it of course, but I'd end up doing it again. Over time, I polished my destroying-of-objects technique. I throw things that are unbreakable, cheap, or that I don't care about. I avoid glass and food (I had an awful time once cleaning up the aftereffects of lobbing spaghetti and soy sauce bottles at a wall). I punch relatively forgiving surfaces (e.g., doors). I don't kick things (foot damage can result since I don't wear shoes in the house).
Anyway, I don't think a fiery temper in and of itself is a bad thing, but my anger has gotten worse over time. I was going through my archives the other day, fixing this and that, and came across this post. I cringed as I re-read it. To be fair to myself, I hadn't nearly faced up to the things that were really bothering me back then; that was just where I was in that moment. In the end, however, being so angry flat out doesn't feel good. But I still find that anger is my automatic response to feeling a lack of control or fear. And while I'm getting better at calming down, I'm afraid my anger is causing me to be stuck in the place I am, and maybe preventing me from moving forward.
In that post, I wrote that anger is a good motivator and a natural response to injustice. I still believe that, and would go so far as to say that it's a necessary response to some forms of injustice. But I want to understand why the fuck I get so angry so quickly. My level of anger is such that it's gotta be more than personality and the big traumas, since I was pretty damn angry before that, too.
It's not like I want to be a chirpy motherfucker, though. I want something different. There have been a couple of people in my life who are so warm and calm and self-assured that simply being in their presence feels like a hug. With them, you felt like everything will be all right. That's what I want to be like.
*sigh* More work.
Comments
I have to think this through more. But reading the old post and then this one, what I'm thinking is there is something between swallowing anger and getting lost in it that feels like the right goal. It's not that feeling it is bad; rather maybe something about becoming more conscious of the feeling and learning how to express it and examine what the REAL cause is behind it. Rather than just, as often happens with me, getting caught in some endless-loop-trap of defensive response, which is...really...diversionary.
I don't have the right words for this yet.
But it's almost like anger or fear responses are slight-of-hand tricks to make the person look the other way so I can divert the gun sights away from me until I can gain power in the situation. But it's...not ever really fixing the actual situation both people are diverting each other from.
Does this make any sense?
1. Posted by Miss Syl on January 7, 2008
Also, wow, it does show reading the two posts how much both you and your writing have changed over time. I wonder if my blog shows the same change.
2. Posted by Miss Syl on January 7, 2008
Miss Syl knows of what she writes. I would defer to her. Anger can be righteous or it can generalized anger from inner conflict. I feel anger and I believe it's part of my temperament and fate. My anger is directed at the stupidity of the human race. I don't think that I will ever rid myself of it. It may be part of my rage against the dying of the light. Who knows? Then again, I am older than you.
3. Posted by Marco on January 7, 2008
From a very young age, I was the one tagged as quick tempered. (I have an older brother and a younger sister - I know, middle child...) My father, who is also the middle child in his family, has always been quick tempered. I still have that reputation today, despite being 45 years old. And to this day, my brother uses it against me whenever he needs a convenient way to weaken my position (it still works with my father). To be honest, I was quick to get pissed off, and I'm not sure but I think the root cause was seeing how my Dad reacted to situations, although I think I've calmed down a lot. The big difference to me is the level of indifference I now have for a lot of things in life. For example, if someone is tailgating me and high-beaming his lights, I have the tendency to just slow down and get the guy pissed off more (and enjoy the entertainment). I guess for me the way I've dealt with situations that anger me is where I can, to take control of the situation rather than let it frustrate me. With that said, I'll go back to the J-A thing and say that once you have your family "rep" there's no turning back.
One time when I was a kid (around 5 years old), I stayed at my grandmother's house for a week with my brother. Apparently I was fighting with my brother the entire time and my grandmother had a hard time with me. When I was at a wedding when I was about 20, this jackass drunk second uncle comes up to me and says, "hey, you were the one that always gives your grandma a hard time." I shocked everyone by getting in his face and telling him he was a drunk SOB and an embarrassment to the family... (I was younger and more quick-tempered then...)
Bottom line, in my opinion, anger is something you can control by taking control of situations (not all) so you have another option to just getting mad. Getting angry is very tiring to me, and afterwards, it just doesn't feel good. However, sometimes it's a good thing, like you said in your post.
Sorry for the long diatribe, getting off the soapbox now...
4. Posted by gregarious on January 8, 2008
Balance is the key to most things in life and anger isn't any different.
I'm very slow to anger. I'll put up with a whole lot of shit before I rise up and smite the poor fools who've pushed me beyond my limits. But when I do get angry, I do it in a very odd way...I make the person persona non grata. They no longer exist. They are expunged from my thoughts and from my life.
Some would say that isn't very balanced. It requires you to bottle up stuff for long periods and then the result is a sort of over-compensation...but it works for me.
I guess I'm saying that anger is what it is. I'm not sure balancing it comes from work so much as it just evolves. Besides, I don't view you as angry so much as...um, peckish. All right, very peckish. But you get my drift.
5. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on January 8, 2008
Syl, I agree with you on the diversionary aspects that an outburst of anger can have. Sometimes when I'm dealing with someone and I have feelings that I don't want to own up to or am ashamed of, I'll express anger instead. Or if I feel controlled or judged.
I have no idea why I've always been angry. Maybe it is just a personality trait that I need to learn how to manage.
But I'm going to go all AA here and say that I think a lot of my current anger has to do with years of resentments, at least in terms of my reactions to people. If someone says or does something to me, no matter the intention of the person, it reminds me of this other time a similar situation occurred that was never addressed to my satisfaction.
I think maybe I need a good sponsor to hash this out with, bit by bit. Since I can't afford therapy anymore.
Marco, re: the stupidity of the human race -- I think similar things, but that's something I want to change. It's hard to not get angry at large-scale stupidities, wastefulness, or injustice, but...I don't know. I'm trying to find a more productive way to think about those things that doesn't result in hopelessness.
Gregarious, I agree with you about developing options to anger. Maybe I should create some kind of anger journal so I can figure out other responses to things.
Omni, sure, I'm "peckish." But there's gotta be a way to channel that in a way that's perhaps more endearing than my current actions.
6. Posted by Hiromi on January 8, 2008
Ok, so I'm a bit tipsy right now and I confess I didn't read the link......all I know is, every woman who's been sexually assaulted has her own way of dealing (or not).
I prefer to not think about it and move on. My view is , it's over and done with and no amount of talking or grieving will change what happened.
That's not to say you're (or anyone's) way of coping is wrong. Any way a woman can cope is right.
7. Posted by charlotte on January 8, 2008
Great thought provoking post as always hiromi.
Living overseas, in a country where english isn't the first language, I find my temper much shorter than back home in london. I was surprised and disappointed- I also thought that my personality, and my temper was fairly laid back, because of something innate to me. Not just that I speak English in England.
I think frustration at inability to communicate is at the heart of much anger, and many angry people. If you have had an experience that others can't understand, or you can't express yourself in someone else's language, anger is hard to restrain.
Oh, and please keep up this blog- its the only blog I've read consistently for years without getting bored.
8. Posted by mul on January 9, 2008
Someone I love dearly has similar issues with anger. Very much a cut off your nose to spite your face type thing. It doesn't help she has a very long memory, something you mentioned in the comments above, and doesn't let go very well. For her, it's often a way to gain the illusion of control over situations she can't control or doesn't want to confront, or sometimes to shift the responsibility elsewhere. The destructive behavior regarding people often seems designed to provoke a similar reaction from them. I don't know if the goal is avoidance, vindication, satisfaction, vengeance, all the above or something else.
I think part of it comes from her parents since they've always been fairly controlling. Anger became a way to fight back, since the avenues of rational discourse and emotional understanding were unavailable (her way was wrong, unless it agreed with her parents' decisions). Her parents also both hold grudges for long times (partially because everything is taken personally), which I think she also learned. Somewhat ironically, this is related to an obsession with "fairness". All related to enforcing zyoushiki or pounding down the protruding nail--and a rebellion against these things? I don't have the answer to that.
I don't know if that really contributes anything, but she is Japanese and there might be something cultural that you recognize.
9. Posted by GB on January 9, 2008
Charlotte, I agree that whatever helps people survive, helps them survive. We don't all need to walk the same path.
This is not directed at you specifically, but I've noticed that people who choose to not talk about sexual assault or domestic abuse often get angry and defensive about the whole issue of talking about it. Some feel hostility toward the entire therapeutic process. If it were simply a matter of each person dealing with it in his or her own way, I don't think there'd be any defensiveness, hostility, or anger.
GB, her behavior is, I'm sure, a totally personal response to things. And in order to justify their behavior, people might bring up "cultural" explanations, but that doesn't mean we need to take their explanations at face value and that That Is How Things Are Done in Japan.
10. Posted by Hiromi on January 9, 2008
as they said in that episode of the sopranos,
where tony once more can hardly get up in the morning
and on the other hand, his sister janice gets into
a fistfight with another soccer mom at her daughter's school -
"depression is anger turned inward".
(it also works the other way round.
later, janice goes to an anger management class
and lets go of all that rage. as she tells her brother
tony - "i feel like all this sadness is gone".)
11. Posted by lliered on January 10, 2008
Thanks, Mul, I'm glad you kept reading. I think you're right -- a part of being angry is an inability to communicate, or more basically, the feeling that you're not being heard. I think that lies at the heart of much of my anger -- feeling like I'm not being heard, understood, or acknowledged.
Iliered, that's what we try to do in AA, I think. Let it all out and let it go, and hopefully the anger will go away.
12. Posted by Hiromi on January 10, 2008