Hiromi_X
Boundaries
This morning, I was idly folding laundry and going over my schedule for the week. At one point I thought, "I'm going to that meeting. Oh wait, I can't, that guy hit on me and I don't want to deal with it."
Suddenly, a huge wave of fury surged through me. I had talked to this guy before, and a couple weeks ago, after the meeting, he came up to talk to me. I was talking to someone else and had my back turned to him, so he got my attention by putting his hands on my shoulders and running them down to my elbows. I didn't like that at all. Nevertheless, I talked to him.
This morning, I felt two things: 1) A desire to commit grievous bodily harm to that guy. Consider my personal history and the role that men played in it. The last fucking thing I want is that kind of unwelcome attention from men. 2) Anger at myself for "being a victim."
After I seethed for a while, I decided to not even think about the guy or his motives. Who knows why he did that. Maybe he's a creep, maybe not. That's beside the point. The point is ME, and making MYSELF feel safe.
I also realized that I have no need to be angry at myself. When humans feel threatened, there are three instinctive reactions: fight, freeze, or flee. At the time, I felt threatened, so I froze. Later, when feeling threatened again by thinking about the incident, I instinctively decided to flee. This isn't any sort of "victim mentality." It's human nature. Furthermore, in battle, retreat is a perfectly valid strategy depending on the situation. But I have a choice -- I can choose to continue to flee, which is FINE if that's what I need. Or, I can deal with it directly in a way that allows me to continue going to that meeting, if that's what I want.
So I choose to stop being angry about it and think of a solution. First, if the person is coming right at me, I'll gracefully avoid contact. If they touch me anyway and I don't like it, I will say without being either apologetic or rude, I don't want to be touched. I don't give a fuck how they react or feel about it. It's my body and my space, and I will defend them.
Comments
Sounds like a plan to me. Maybe you should give Angela Merkel advice for the next time Dubya decides to do an impromptu back rub.
If it's any consolation, I've had people do that to me too, and it's pretty damn disturbing without carrying the baggage. Some people are just fu*ktards and should be dealt with accordingly.
Whip a little Atomic Hand Mixer on his ass next time!
1. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on June 17, 2007
I had a library patron invading my space recently - she was just standing right up against my chair looking over my shoulder at my computer screen (she had to come around my desk to do it) and I was just so uncomfortable about the proximity of someone I didn't know. But I feel glad that I spoke up and just politely said, "I don't like people coming behind my desk." And she apologized and moved. But yeah, it doesn't even take a creepy (or possibly creepy) guy touching you to feel like your boundaries have been crossed. Some people just have no sense of not invading personal space around people they're not intimate with. I'm all for you speaking up and telling him right out what's not okay. I think that's a terrific idea. :-) (But yeah, if you need to flee a bit that's fine too.)
2. Posted by Nadia on June 18, 2007
I applaud your decision. What kind of (moron? creep? ignorant jackass?) uses an intrusive touch as a means of introduction? As someone else who doesn't like to be touched, that just boggles my mind.
It sucks that this jerk's behavior means you now have to "fight" for a civilized amount of personal space, but I have every confidence that you'll achieve some satisfactory boundaries without much stress.
3. Posted by mike m on June 18, 2007
You know that scene from Fellowship of the Ring when Bilbo tries to take the ring from Frodo? I'm gonna make that face the next time I'm in that sort of situation.
4. Posted by Hiromi on June 18, 2007
Oh iiish, that's always uncomfortable when someone invades your space like that. And it *is* your right to say if you are uncomfortable or want them to leave you alone, feelings be damned.
Unless, of course, they're the TSA, then they just do whatever they want.
(I do not have good airport experiences...)
I hope you can go to your meetings without any bother again.
5. Posted by pineapple on June 18, 2007
I actually can't stand it when people get within five to seven feet of me, much less touching me. I don't know if that's normal, but I do know that the vast majority of people hate conflict and wouldn't know just how to handle someone who needs to be told firmly to back off. I definitely wouldn't. Too many people take advantage of that fact in a passive-aggressive sort of way. I actually watched a middle aged schmuck in line at the video store lean on the counter, basically hovering over the man in front of him in line. The guy asked him politely to step back and he was a complete prick about it, acting like the guy was way out of line. But, the point is that everyone else in the store agreed with the guy asking him to step back. So, I'd assume that people in the group would take your side.
6. Posted by rufus on June 20, 2007