Hiromi_X

It is a tough one Hiromi. I think maybe it is part of how AA works. Kind of substituting the stimulation of drugs with the stimulation of interacting with other people. Shift that wanting more escapes to wanting more friends. I don't really know but there might be a way to channel your drives so that even if you don't get the pharmaceutical escape, or high, you get to a similar state with yoga, or exercise or art or writing.... I know the feeling from writing a really good blog post is probably not a good substitute for a really good vodka, but maybe you can experiment with other things that take you from ok to great. Talk to other BP folks too, from what I hear, they all struggle with the same desire not to restrain themselves.

Why just feel "okay" when you can feel GREAT just by taking a pill or a drink? Why just feel GREAT at a party or some such social setting, when you can feel GREAT any old time?

This is it EXACTLY. I've found that I've really forgotten how to just exist without that extra boost on the side.

It's almost like having running water in your house. You get used to being able to turn emotions on or off, boost or depress your energy level as you see fit, like turning off hot and cold running water, until you can't even remember what it's like to not have it. But now we have to live our lives pumping water from the well and heating it up on the stove, and some days that's OK, and some days it just feels like fucking werk, man, and I'd rather just not bathe. And I know all I have to do is go over to the water meter and turn the service back on, but I can't do that 'cause (and this is where the analogy falls apart) I know it will eventually kill me.

I had a vivid imagination. I made up several incarnations of myself, all of whom lived in different times and places and sometimes had special powers, and I would tell myself stories of myself on car trips, during classes, before I went to sleep; any unfilled time I had was occupied with these fantasies.

I call them the 'People in my head' and they are as real as me. I just don't let them out very often. It tends to freak people out. Great for creativity, but when Mildred and Herman start going it drives me insane.
There's not a pill anymore, there's not the bottle any more. I won't tell you use prayer, but stick with it, even though the cravings will drive you insane. You're better for it. It shows, even just in your writing. Deep breaths, and I hope this too shall pass.

Hm, this is really interesting/disturbing. I have this same internal craving issue, the whole "okay never being enough" thing...I got what you were saying RIGHT away; I feel this all. the. time. But I've never been able to solve it with substances. None of them ever left me feeling permanently GREAT whenever I took them the way you're describing how it works for you. So I've got the damn eternal craving for SOMETHING MORE with no clear solution for it...not even an unhealthy solution. WTF do you do then?

Do you have to learn that okay has just got to be enough? I don't accept that. I think it can be better than okay.

Or maybe it's that my "okay" was never really all that okay, under the surface, and when it IS, it'll actually BE okay.

I don't know. To me, "okay" always implied boredom and stagnation. "Okay" was not the same as "good."

Hey, in my head, I'm several different "characters" too! I don't have "mens" in my head like Darkneuro, but my "characters" certainly do !

I think overcoming the boring, quotidien day to day shit IS the thing. Maybe it's harder for ex-alkies, but that shit'll drag even the most sober person down if you let it. I know you have to find your own way to rise above it, but one thing that always works for me is playing a really great album or reading an intense challenging poem. At least, it can help you last until your next vacation.

You're doing great, Hiromi. Like Darkneuro said, you sound good, even your writing sounds better, and how's this for something to hold on to against the mundane : You somehow sound more REAL.

"But how do I live without more?"

I believe they've been telling you "one day at a time" haven't they?

i'd hate to sound like a me-too, but my alter egos are as real to me as my everday ego. they've their own personalities, their own special way of speaking, their own long list of transgressions that they play over and over in their heads. i recently realized that there are some pieces i write that don't exactly sound like the regular me, but feel, somehow, "acutely me." and now i know why.

darkneuro's right. these things tend to freak people out. i blogged about it once, i think, and most of my readers didn't take it as seriously. actually, they thought my penchant for "roleplay" was cute.

It's not enough to just not be drinking or using one day at a time. I have higher standards.

I think most folks in the program have higher standards. The ones who believe in God call it that "spiritual awakening" thing. The ones who don't believe in God...well, if they're clever, they think of some other way to describe it. Something about frozen marshmallows, I think...

But then there are days when the higher standards get iced for a while and you just gotta aspire to not get drunk.

I have both kinds of days. Much less of the latter than I used to, but they still pop up every once in a while.

No, no, that's exactly what I'm talking about - long involved plots, specific settings, cast of minor characters, ect.