Hiromi_X

This post and the previous one read together make me wanna say something outrageous. Rest assured, I deeply believe rapists and child molesters should be scheduled for an early visit from the Angel of Death, but: is it OK to consider that if you perpertrated a crime (whatever his nature and gravity), made a mistake once, failed at one point, had a destructive behavior,.... you are stained for ever? and people should always look at you through this determining event(s)?

I'm not comparing anything here. It's just the mechanism of how we look at each other, judge them even I guess, I'm interested in.

Anyway, Hiromi, you have my blessing to cool perps down with either a couple of bricks, or the Mixer of Justice...

Also remember that in the eyes of the law, an 18 year old boy that has sex with his 17 year old girlfriend is lumped in the same category as the 35 year old man that sodomizes a 13 year old boy. In other words, a "sexual offender". I think there's a matter of degree to be considered.

That said, I think that some people who make mistakes are genuinely sorry for them and want to atone for, or at least leave behind, those mistakes. I would advocate giving people a (cautious) chance. That's worked out well for me in the past.

All the best.

-D.

This may not be directly answering the question, or maybe it's only increasing paranoia, but just being in a group of all women won't necessarily guarantee there is no one there who has never sexually assaulted someone. I know the percentages are smaller, but women DO assault people, particularly children. I know people for whom this has been a reality. Also, many women who didn't directly assault their children often directly allowed them to be assaulted when they had 100% knowledge that their husbands, boyfriends, fathers, etc. were assaulting their children. And to me, this is as equally heinous a crime.

I wonder what your sponsor's motivation for telling you that was, and what actual statistics she/he was basing it on. It's probably a true statement, but it's also probably a true statement if you reverse the genders in it, too. And it's probably a true statement for just about any gathering anywhere, forward or reversed.

I think if I knew a child molester was openly embraced by a group I attended, it would make me want to avoid that group, too. And yet, that makes me angry. Why should I avoid having the benefits of that group I wanted to attend because HE or SHE is there? In essence, it's a set up where you're choosing "him/her or me." I suppose one could ask the group to consider that, publicly. This church for instance, they are choosing to bring him into the group because they believe in showing compassion. I wonder if an adult (or child) stood up and said, "I am an assault survivor, and every day that our church accepts and supports someone in our midst who did this kind of thing, I feel a vast amount of pain. It is making it so it is becoming impossible for me to attend this church, which I love." I wonder if then they would have to think directly about who they really wanted to focus their compassion on. But that would require the survivor to be public about it.

I also think the church are fools for believing because this guy has publicly told them he is a pedophile that it means he won't attempt to hurt any of their children. The behavior patterns of such people show that is simply not the case. Just because a pedophile has admitted his/her propensity to molest children doesn't stop him from continuing it.

I, too, am torn about the rehabilitation issue. My feeling is that most data shows that rapists are repeat offenders, despite rehab. I think my general feeling is these people should never be released back into the public.

I guess I should say, though, that at least this guy came forward and explained his situation up front. There may be people in that church who are offenders who attend all the time and just don't say.

I guess my issue with what you describe is that you are supposed to be in a "safe place" at these meetings. How can they expect you to open up and be honest if others are hiding such an important secret? These types of people are the ones that have negatively impacted your life!

I also agree with Miss Syl on the pedophiles. They don't seem to be able to rehab. Look at the Megan's Law site in your state (if they post online) and you will be SHOCKED with the numbers. Maybe the church feels that by announcing the person is a pedophile they will be absolved of all liability should he abuse a child in the church (they were warned).

Emmanuel - a self-destructive behavior (alcoholism) is much different from a behavior that destructs others. I actually agree with your broad idea but...Just sayin'.

Sean, I totally agree with you. As you very well pointed out, I was just wondering about the broad idea of how others see us after our "rehab". It's absolutely not my intention to put into balance such different behaviors.

In essence, it's a set up where you're choosing "him/her or me." I suppose one could ask the group to consider that, publicly. This church for instance, they are choosing to bring him into the group because they believe in showing compassion.

In the early 80's, my parents were diagnosed as HIV+. My mother told the pastor, and that is exactly what the church did. The pastor stood up and told everyone, and gave the members a choice.

My parents were asked to leave. My mother's been asked to leave several churches since, including one where she was told that she was being asked to leave because she was teaching a Sunday School class and the parents of the kids she was teaching were unhappy with the situation and asked that she not be allowed back.

However, I don't see how you can be a Christian and not believe in redemption. And if you believe that God can change the lives of sinners, I'm not sure there's any Biblical precedent for excluding child molesters from that redemption. And, really, the theory behind AA is the same - you have a problem, but with enough work you can overcome it. It's that same idea that people can be redeemed.

People tend to overreact in situations like this, especially when children are involved. If you go to the grocery store, there are likely to be people there who have been abusers, and those who have been abused. A support group is a different case, because it involves making yourself more vulnerable then most people are at the grocery store, but short of one-on-one therapy, I'm not sure there's a way to avoid the problem entirely.

We all stray to the point of doing something where society kicks us back into line. The question is, was the lesson learned not to go there again? Since you do get something out of AA, don't let yourself be a victim again by not going to AA just to avoid them. On the other hand, don't put yourself in a situation where you find out if they've learned their lesson yet.