Hiromi_X

OK, here I go again, beating a dead horse... IMHO the difficulty with the Asian upbringing is that we aspire to be the model minority; we are told we need to fit in. Go to Japan and you'll see what I mean. Most "salarymen" wear dark suits and white shirts. The people that "stick out" (go to Harajuku), people that would probably not be noticed in California, are basically scorned while younger, then eventually conform or become the dregs of society.

We are taught that what we feel as individuals is insignificant, and that we need to "fit in" and keep quiet. That's *exactly* why I value reading about you Hiromi and listening to what you have to say - you're someone willing to speak out, speak the truth, admit weakness, sorrow and anxiety while rebuilding and constructing a better life.

You should be proud of the STRENGTH and resiliency you have shown. And you should be proud of how you have helped me get better (I still have a ways to go) and better, a little bit at a time.

That's a really good insight--definitely hits some nerves with me, too. Can I ask, now that you've recognized this, were you then (or are you now) able to feel certain *for yourself* that it was abuse?

I don't think I've had an as clearly articulated realization about this as you have, but I think to some extent I was already aware other people's opinions about my life seem to matter more than mine to me, and that this was not something I felt good about...but, even knowing my feelings should matter more, I still sometimes feel doubful even so about things--still crave others' confirmation. (In fact, just writing "I know my feelings should matter more" resulted in an immediate inner critic shouting "SELFISH!" at me. Damn.)

I like reading your sentence in ital. It crystalizes just how twisted the logic behind it is, how entirely negating of one's own experience, and it is so simple that you can UNtwist it easily and making it right when you need to pull it out fast...I wonder if this would work for me...

When I first went to a therapist to discuss what happened in my family, I fully expected him to tell me that it was ***not*** abuse. It took a long time before I'd believe that it was abuse. Then for another long chunk of time, I thought it was abuse, but only "minor" abuse.

The bottom line is that there really is no "minor" abuse. Every single bit of abuse destroys the trust that should be there between the victim and the perpetrator. From the very first moment, that trust is damaged, if not outright destroyed.

I think this is hard for civilians to understand. Again, lucky them that they don't understand. But it leaves a heavy burden on us sometimes to educate them that even abuse that seems minor is still very damaging.

Hugs.

The minor abuse contributes to the "death by a thousand paper cuts". In a way, it's more insidious, because there's no dramatic event that you can point to or describe to people that makes them react with horror. There's nothing that plays well on a Lifetime movie of the week. But the end result, after years and years, is the same.

I can so relate to this way of thinking. I still feel a bit surprised when my therapist asserts that she thinks the guy who assaulted me intended to. Even though I was furious at his calling it an accident some part of me let myself believe him. I think part of this thinking comes from being socialized as a woman in this society. I mentioned this briefly on a recent blog post. We go to blame ourselves and smooth over anything that's "wrong" even when the man is to blame. It's so hard to get out of that way of thinking.

As I was thinking about what I was going to write in reponse to this post I thought about starting with, "I'm thankful I've never been in a situation of long term abuse" but then reminded myself that my first relationship was two and a half years of emotional manipulation and abuse ("but hey, he never hit me" the thinking goes). And that the first relationship I had after I was raped was a situation of being constantly pressured into having sex whether I wanted it or not. But it's funny how easy it is to dismiss something as not abusive. However I am thankful that I haven't gone through worse - I suppose we always have to find the bright side so we can keep functioning.

I hope I don't blather too much about myself in my comments... I just seem to relate to people through my own experiences - I find empathy through what I've been through that's at all similar... but I worry that I sound like one of those "That's nothing, here's what I've been through." types. I'm not. I haven't been through what you've been through, but then in some ways I have and that's where I relate.

**hugs** BTW I while hearing more about what's happened is hard to read, at the same time I feel so glad for you that you're able to look at it now and start sorting it all out. That's such an important step.

H,
I grew up with a schizophrenic mother, grandmother, and sister. I spent most of my first 18 years wondering if it was ME acting crazy or if it was everyone else. In situations like that (and like in your abusive relationship) you begin to question yourself as a matter of course. I guess like, "OMIGOD, am I going crazy too?"

I can't speak for everybody, but I STILL jump to the same question anytime someone around me does something loony. "Is it me, or is it them?"

The difference today is that I can actually believe people when they tell me it was really the other person being crazy.

Well most of the time anyway.

And the bewilderment, it lifts after awhile. One day it's pea soup, the next day it's as refreshing as a new pair of glasses.

Be well.

hi, i'm a long term quiet reader, I always find a lot to think about here. I'm often inspired by your openness, and the clearness of thought that you bring to even the most horrific situations. The recent posts have been particularly shocking.

I've been wanting to ask you about the issues raised in this post for some time, but couldn't quite find a way to articulate it. Anyway- here is my question: Hiromi, as a survivor, what do you now see as the definition of abuse in relationship?

Is there something qualitative that disguises abuse from merely an unhappy relationship, or failing relationship?

My view is that a failing relationship eventually self destructs, whereas an abusive relationship has a kind of horrific stability, where neither party considers ending the relationship.

Its not merely curiosity. I've been in a relationship that seemed to be developing an emotionally abusive aspect (with me as the bully). I ended it as a result, but i've always been unsure whether it wasn't in fact something that could have been resolved.

As always thank you for this blog-

Wow. It is a mismeasure of you, H. And I have never seen it put quite so eloquently. Keep it up, you're healing, even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Hi Hiromi
Thanks for those last two posts. I maybe have listened to too much pop-psychiatry on Loveline but I wonder if there was a pre-rape sex abuse for you? Or some other early childhood abuse issue that made you more of a target for the rapist? Does alcoholism or bipolar disorder run in your family? I know in mine it does and I think that is part of the reason I ended up with a bipolar girl-friend. I am NOT trying to blame you or your family, just trying to see if there is a pattern.
It made sense to me that you might question the abuse. Bipolar folks have to question their emotions, so might find it easy to question other experiences too.
My bipolar ex-girlfriend was attacked by a stranger at one point and got some counseling for it. It is not the same as a rape, I know, but the counseling worked wonders for her dealing with the trauma. Just wanted you to know that good effective therapy is out there - but you probably know that.

Hi Hiromi,

Your comments about complete negation of self is familiar to me. It was about 10 years ago that I realised that I was nobody - I existed as the space between the people around me. I was the shape that they left.

However, and this is going to sound strange,... as soon as I realised that, I 'inverted', I 'popped out' as it were, like when you see those rotating face masks... you can't tell which is the positive and which is the negative image. The image flicks quickly between negative hollow and postive relief. The birth of my 'self' was as sudden (and as wonderful) as that.

Just be aware that your 'real'isation could well be your first (huge) step to becoming real. It worked for me.

(I hope ANY of this makes sense - its so difficult to put this stuff into words)

Good luck on your wonderful journey.

Tom

After taking a class in school about family therapy, I began to appreciate the things that therapists do. They make you think.