Hiromi_X
Prices paid
I've said many times before that simply being alive is a gift, and our ability to observe, wonder, and interpret an even greater one. But we also pay a high price for having such a complex brain.
There's the ability to be moved by beautiful things and desire to preserve and protect them so that others may appreciate them; then there's the impulse to steal and possess these beautiful things, or to view them as obstacles and destroy them.
There's the ability to learn and understand; to teach and enlighten. Then there's the urge to lie and distort to promote selfish ends.
There's mercy and empathy; there's also the desire to dominate and subjugate, simply because one can.
There's the ability to turn love inward and outward; then there's hate.
We all know or have seen the results of hate turned outward, and I don't wish to address that there. Hate turned inward is fascinating to me, however. Most often the pain that is inflicted comes in the form of self-flagellating thoughts, and denying oneself any credit or pleasure or satisfaction. It's channeled into drinking, into overeating; sometimes the emotional pain is transformed into physical pain. Some slash their flesh indiscriminately with razors or knives or glass, visible welts and scars covering their arms or legs. Others dig furrows with their nails; there are young girls who scratch their wrists with safety pins and wear sweat bands to hide the scars. There are those who cut furtively and deliberately so that they may continue without question. There are those who starve themselves, or who punish their bodies through endless exercise.
Every day I am struck by the blessings and curses of being a complex being.
Comments
A dear friend of mine is a cutter and it's a terrible thing.
Another side-effect of self-hatred is the inability to love anyone else. It should be a wonderful tip-off when you are looking for a partner. If the candidate can't value himself, how the hell can you expect him to value you?
Yet another lesson I should have learned when I was 20, instead of in my mid-30s.
1. Posted by aag on July 1, 2006
I agree with your first statement, but have to disagree with your second. As the poster girl for self-hatred, I'm capable of loving others. Problem is, in the past, I've chosen precisely the wrong sort of person, not knowing that I'm entitled to be treated well and with love. And then I gave everything I had to them, until there was nothing left.
2. Posted by Hiromi on July 1, 2006
Interesting.
Maybe I've got it wrong. Someone who typically acts in an unloving manner toward others is probably full of self-hatred.
Someone who is full of self-hatred does not necessarily act unlovingly toward others.
What do you think?
3. Posted by aag on July 1, 2006
Hiromi, here, here! Or is that hear, hear! Fucking English and it's double meaning words (without I'd have no pun).
4. Posted by Whirly on July 1, 2006
I'm struck by that as well. Especially after I spend a long day examining the complexity of something in all its breathtaking scope only to find the nut of the thing I've been examining turns out to be breathtakingly simple.
I'm never sure if I should feel happy about that or disappointed.
5. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on July 1, 2006
I start to hate the people I love when I can't control their actions and I sense that the chance of rejection is high. Then I hate myself for not being able to understand what's happening when things start to go wrong. Later I hate myself for getting so emotionally attached in the first place. It takes such a long time to forgive myself and the others involved, but still I go back and do it again. Sometimes I wonder if the pain is worth it, especially when I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. It feels like some kind of crazy quest. Right now I'd settle for the intimacy of a friend to talk to (but I always want more, that's the problem).
6. Posted by Andy on July 2, 2006
I was given the gift of self-hatred from my mother and her sister. Finally after more than thirty years I realize that it's my responsibility to unlearn this self-hatred.
7. Posted by New York Moments on July 2, 2006
Where to start, Hiromi... Oh, I know... Beautiful. Hiromi, this is beautiful. Not bad for bags of chemicals, eh? And yes... This reads (to me) like a pretty triumphant piece. Or maybe that's just my mood right now. Ah well. Still. It is beautiful.
8. Posted by Darkneuro on July 2, 2006
The priced paid is only too high when the results are always the same The complexity of the bag of chemicals is just perfect when that bag of chemicals can find a solution to whatever was causing the pain and self hatred.
The price paid is perfect if you have found a way to never be an emotional punching bag to anyone ever again. Just coming to terms with the issue is a wonderful feat of finding your way as a human being.
Figuring out how to value yourself is such a complex issue you could talk about it for many blogs. I think it is fundamental to so many self-hatred issues. We all see and experience life differently but how and why do some people get so out of balance that they do harm to themselves?
But I agree with DN. This is a beautiful and triumphant thing.
9. Posted by dsc (David Cheney) on July 2, 2006
AAG, self-haters are legion, unfortunately, and it's expressed varies as much as we do.
Whirly, my favorite pair of words is "raise" and "raze."
Omni, I wish our minds were simple, but, as the inventor of Prozac said, "If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."
Andy, for some reason, I never hate or blame the person who rejects me. It's always, "what's the matter with *me*?" oh well. work in progress.
NYM, and what a long, long process it is. Someone give me a happy helmet! Or just some goddamn vicodin.
Thanks, Darkneuro. I wrote this during a day in which I kept seeing things in people (including myself) both beautiful and awful and how I wished I could concentrate more on the beautiful.
We all see and experience life differently but how and why do some people get so out of balance that they do harm to themselves?
David, I'm often puzzled by how all right my sisters have turned out. Or seemed to have.
10. Posted by Hiromi on July 2, 2006
Not relevant in the least, but regardless:
http://Hiromi.youaremighty.com
11. Posted by Onym on July 3, 2006
Hiromi, I am still too upset by your last post to comment there so I will drop back here for a moment.
So your sisters seem “all right”. The way you phrase that indicates that you feel you are not “all right” in comparison. But have your sisters been sadistically tortured: emotionally, verbally, psychologically, sexually, daily for years? I think not, so you cannot compare yourself to them, or really to anyone else that has not gone through your experience.
In my life I have had three close female friends suffer the same fate as you. All beautiful, smart, thoughtful people whose “fault” was to be intense people wishing to create a loving relationship. All three became severely clinically depressed and one developed bipolar disease. All three are now wonderfully whole and functional, having found the strength to stop trying to make a sadistic relationship work. They all found their self worth and found the strength to move on. But they were severely damaged in the process, damage that took medicine and effort to fix.
You are not “all right”; you are extremely exceptional. You are much much more than all right. But right now you will have to give yourself time to heal and grow stronger. You cannot expect to be “all right” immediately after your experience. But you can expect to get well and have a great life. It will happen if you are gentle with yourself and allow this mess inside you to escape. Your therapist needs to know the real truth about you and what happened to you.
Do not let anyone treat you in anything that even closely resembles negativity. Sorry, I know that is un-requested advice, but you have had enough of that cruel shit for many lifetimes. Just don’t allow anyone to treat you with anything but the respect and care anyone should deserve. We all deserve to feel that we are special in someone’s life.
I come to your blog to read the thoughts and words of a deeply thoughtful and intelligent person. Your thoughts and beautiful writing always cause me explore your topic deeply. I know many other readers come to your site for the same experience. I do not doubt for a second that Karl cried when he read your other post. It took me more than an hour to read it I was so upset.
I know it is not much, not as much as you need and deserve at this time, but you have become special in many people’s lives.
12. Posted by dsc on July 5, 2006