Hiromi_X
Postscript
If life followed a script, the heroine would have turned her back on the past after facing it squarely and moved forward, rebuilding her life. That's how I wanted it; that's how anyone would have wanted it. But as Faulkner said, the past isn't dead. It isn't even past.
The Once were warriors post was hastily written after sleepless nights, sleepless despite the Xanax and vodka cocktails. Something was trying to get out, and Tuesday morning it did. But it wasn't finished. I overdosed afterwards.
You cannot will yourself to become well. Being depressed, being an addict; these are not things to be willed away. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had planned all along to rely on Xanax or Valium or some other substance despite admitting to addiction. I fooled myself into thinking I would stop after a couple of months. However, a sane corner of my brain that I'd been trying to shut up with drugs and alcohol pulled the brakes hard. My hands seemed to move of their own volition as they opened up another bottle and shook out pills.
That was the lowest I ever hope to go: in the ER, wondering who will take me home. I feared I'd sustained brain damage, since I couldn't walk properly, let alone think, for several days. However, that experience finally made me listen to what people have been telling me for months, to close that door forever.
I once wrote that in order for a new being to emerge, the old one must be smashed to pieces. I smashed the last vestiges of my old self, all the lies. I stopped lying to myself, my family, my doctors. I told everyone everything. Now, there is a larger circle of people watching me for the warning signs. I can say with certainty that I'm finally taking real steps toward sanity. I look back at last week -- the past several years, to be honest -- and it seems I'd spent it in a black, palpable miasma of insanity. I feel unburdened. I feel lighter.
I know I'm getting better because I can look at souvenirs of my insanity and laugh with sympathy at the person I am. I found two souvenirs this weekend. I opened my purse and found it stuffed with things like business cards from my therapist and shrink, with "Mental Health Deputies - 311" and "SafePlace Austin" written on the backs. There were directions to AA meetings scrawled on scraps of paper. The traces of a life not lived well.
During my move, I noticed a packed cardboard box with this strange squiggly writing on top: (something) books; glass (something). "Oh shit," I thought, and hastily put it in an inconspicuous corner of my new apartment. I do not remember packing that box while I was out of it. Last night, I took a deep breath and opened it. Opening that box was like opening a window into a disordered mind. Things were packed together at random. Not only that, but apparently I had gotten hold of some styrofoam and smashed it up, making my own styrofoam peanuts. These "peanuts" had gotten stuck in the pages of books and would not stop clinging to every goddamn thing.
Has this blog gotten too confessional? I don't care. It helps me think about who I am. I'm Hiromi. I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
Comments
and a hell of a writer.
1. Posted by CN on July 10, 2006
Good on You! My friend was 17 years (years!)sober and now every 6 months, I hear "I'm sober 30 days." He doesn't believe therapy is helpful, he has to do it himself. And he does: over and over 30 days at a time. As a toddler, his father taught him to say, "Fuck You, Mommy." And so forth. Hiromi, you get it...sometimes we need
a helping hand. I hope you'll consider us friends who are here for you.
2. Posted by Geoff on July 10, 2006
She is that CN. She is that.
Nothing is ever too confessional as long as it helps to confess. Besides, I don't know that you're confessing in the usual sense of the word. I see it more like thinking out loud.
Keeping thinking aloud. Let the people watching over you watch over you. Don't try to do everything by yourself.
That's my thinking aloud for what it's worth. Keep on thinking Hiromi. You're doing fine.
3. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on July 10, 2006
Shit.
4. Posted by Goose on July 10, 2006
I wouldn't wish what's happened on anyone but I also know what it's like to have all we know smashed to pieces. I agree that sometimes that is the only way to get past the issues.
My own plunge into the pit was about two years ago. It's going to be hard but you can keep going....
... and it takes more courage to make the admissions than most realize...
my thoughts are with you.
5. Posted by Brian on July 10, 2006
Thanks for being so honest. Really, there is so little of that in this world. If we all learned to do what you just did, we would all be so much more free--in ourselves and with others.
As with Brian, my thoughts are also with you. And, you know, hugs.
6. Posted by Miss Syl on July 10, 2006
I just wanna fuckin' hug you, baby.
7. Posted by Elvis on July 10, 2006
*hugs* I've been there. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know, please?
8. Posted by Tina Femea on July 10, 2006
Hiromi I have been following your blog more intensively than I have followed panties. I always felt like I should comment, but I didn't want to add any of the crap you said not to, but this touched me too much.
I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship (one, ha!, but I am sure you are there with me too). Finally, I moved, to break it off physically, if I couldn't mentally, and I found myself abusing my body because no one else was abusing me at the time. I started drinking, and then, when that wasn't enough, I started with the drugs and pills. I overdosed. Unlucky for me, I didn't make it to the hospital and no one was sober enough to see that I needed to go either. Lucky for me too, I am still here.
You are braver than me and I admire you in admitting this to your family and friends. I admire you for being able to ask for help for yourself and to ask for people to watch for signs of you needing help.
9. Posted by Muss on July 10, 2006
hell, i know this would be selfish for me to say...but seeing that in black and white made me really see what i wanted to be in the future--UNBURDENED. thanks, hiromi. that was amazing.
10. Posted by transience on July 11, 2006
"black, palpable miasma of insanity"
I know that feeling. I once went out with a girl who was a gorgeous, elegant, caustic bitch. Her wit was a poisoned stiletto. She was unfaithful. She tortured me verbally. I stayed with her for two years of 'black, palpable insanity.' The truth is, I was addicted to her lethal combination sex and verbal abuse. She played me like a marionette.
One day she took my car to go out a date with another guy. I found myself wandering the city at 4am, in pouring rain, looking for my car. It hit me then and there that I simply didn't have to put up with it.
When I told her I was leaving, she once again tried the things that had worked before- sweet cajoling, sex, promises of reform. This time it didn't work. My mind was clear and all I felt was a cool sadness mixed with the exhilaration of possibilites. I felt like the air after a thunderstorm has passed- crisp and clear.
Finally hitting rock bottom can be both awful and glorious.
11. Posted by moatjon on July 11, 2006
((hugs))
12. Posted by SheenV on July 11, 2006
I have to agree with Muss. I followed you from flickr and have found your literary, musical and cooking references enlightening. I have also enjoyed your rants. I know you hate trite comments, but I have to say you are courageous and inspiring. You are my hero.
13. Posted by bloodman on July 11, 2006
Hiromi, I've spent the last night and day trying to think of something to say. I've still come up blank.
Please take care of you.
I'm probably the last person you need to be talking to, being the unashamed alkie that I am, but if you just need to vent or say something hard that you might not want to here, or just a laugh you have my email.
D
14. Posted by Whirly on July 11, 2006
Thank you, everyone, for your words and for sharing. They mean more to me than you'll ever know.
15. Posted by Hiromi on July 11, 2006
Damn.
Hugs from Atlanta. Please, tell whatever you want. There is no such thing as 'too confessional' when you are among friends. We all have our stories, and we appreciate yours. Wishing you well.
16. Posted by Bad Kitty on July 11, 2006
Yea, Miss Syl. There's power in honesty, isn't there ? And its strange to me that even in our complicated, alienating, postindustrial world, naming a thing still gives you power over it. Which to me, is a great, dark pagan kind of idea.
And you, Hiromi, are some kind of survivor. I've hestitated to respond to your last posts, cause I haven't known what to say. I've been there, to the edge of that fuckin' abyss, and I STILL don't know what to say. I think its too desolate of a place, for cheery words and good intentions to help. But what else can I offer ?
Well...in her book, "Eat, Pray, Love," Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own shitty divorce. She said once she was at a party, and broke down, and was in the bathroom crying. A woman she barely knew asked her if she was alright, and she blurt out, "What should I do?" She meant, stay in the marriage or go, but of course the stranger didn't know her situation. But what the lady said was, "Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth." And yeah, I'm a sucker for a good wisdom-found-unlikely-places story.
Also, about the cracks. There's that Leonard Cohen song with the line, "There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." And I'm wishing you a motherfuckin' sunshower of that peaceful afternoon light you love.
17. Posted by Timory on July 11, 2006
I've been preoccupied the last week or so, hon. It's all been said. But from me... ***HUGS*** If there's something I can do from the wilds of TN, let me know.
18. Posted by Darkneuro on July 12, 2006
Wow... I'm only just replying because I hadn't checked on your blog in a few days. I'm really really REALLY glad that you're still alive.
I wish I could understand why the brilliant, wonderful people are the ones who go through such shit. My favorite people are usually the ones who have plumbed the absolute depths of insanity and human existence. I just wish we didn't have to suffer so going through it.
I've been in very dark places in my life (thanks to depression) and tried my best to ferry others through the same (such as my best friend who's still battling with alcohol and drug addiction)... in some strange way I don't think I'd trade knowing what I know through these experiences for a life without that knowledge, but at the same time I wish I hadn't had to go through that awful pain - and wish that others who've been through similar didn't have to hurt so much.
I'm rambling. I hope this makes sense.
**hugs**
19. Posted by Nadia West on July 13, 2006
Truth is beauty, and beauty truth.
and
To thine own self be true.
I wish you great personal strength and peace of mind in the coming weeks and months. You're a beautiful and intelligent individual and will always have the power within you to overcome any and all obstacles.
20. Posted by tskathy58 on July 13, 2006
You are an amazing writer.. I'm going through some dark times myself.. it's helpful to hear the story of a survivor.
21. Posted by Tom on January 1, 2007