Hiromi_X
"Once were warriors"
This post came about for three reasons:
1) Tina (thank you) reminded me of Tori Amos when I asked for sad love songs. I'd forgotten about Silent all these years.
2) I dropped in on a friend getting a tattoo, which reminded me of mokos, which reminded me of a movie made by Maoris that I've always wanted to see: Once Were Warriors.
3) And then I watched the movie.
This isn't an easy post to write, and I'm already starting to make no sense at all.
I better start with #1. I haven't listened to Silent all these years in years, and here is the section of the lyrics that made me cry when I played it:
Years go by -- Will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by -- If I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head?
Years go by -- Will I choke on my tears 'til finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty
You know we're too easy... easy... easy...
Yet, at the end, she says:
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years
I'm unlearning silence; I want my voice back. I cannot, and will never, discuss the reason I first lost it. At any rate, by the time I got married, I'd lost any idea of who I was or what I was worth. I'm supposed to be smart; I came from a good home: how did I end up in an emotionally abusive marriage?
Thinking of mokos, and domestic abuse, reminded me of Once Were Warriors. It's a fascinating movie, with a wonderful subtext of Maori culture, but also a disturbing universal theme: domestic violence. I hesitated to watch it because of that theme. There may be people who may wonder why I'm paralleling my emotional abuse to a person who endured physical violence. I do it because the violence is invisible.
The husband and wife in the movie were called Jake and Beth Heke. Jake Heke was handsome, strong, a free spirit - an attractive and charming man. He could be generous and fun-loving. My ex was a good intellectual sparring partner. We could talk for hours about things like evolutionary biology, the social structure of Sparta, or Japanese oral histories from WWII without getting bored. He had a quirky sense of humor like me, and also could appreciate the absurd.
It's very easy to paint Jake in a bad light despite his charm, for his actions were visibly harmful. Jake, after drinking heavily (which he did constantly), would beat Beth if she talked back. He would tell her, "When I get like that, you know you need to leave me alone" (classic "blame the victim"). The children would cower in their beds as they heard the fighting. After a particularly brutal beating, Jake told Beth casually, "Go clean yourself up; you're making me sick." When their children were unhappy or got into trouble, Jake would tell his wife to blow them off, as they were spoiled and needed toughening up. He essentially neglected the kids.
After all that, what can I say about my ex? What's the big deal? So what that he told me I was, at best, a 6 out of a 10, and made fun of my clothes? So what that when I said how I thought my ass was my best feature, he wouldn't answer? So what that he'd point out women with small, thin, rather flat asses -- the very opposite of mine -- and praise them extravagantly?
He constantly insulted and ridiculed me in public and private. That quirky sense of humor would become a sharp and ugly weapon when pointed toward me. I can't even tell my therapist the things he said about me in front of other people. The jokes at my expense were relentless -- not a day went by that there wasn't some cruel joke made over the smallest, most harmless things I did. He made fun of things I said, to the point that I thought anything I said was stupid. In Japan, he drove away my friends by being rude to them.
When I made a mildly insulting remark about someone, he'd argue with me, saying how much worse I was than that person. When I was excited about something and wanted to share it, he would tell me to shut up and quit bothering him.
I did essentially all the grocery shopping, cleaning, and cooking. When he did something for me, he didn't want a "thank you" in return; his answer was always, "Just give me ass." Speaking of which, when I protested doing certain things, my protests were met with books written by "experts" proving that I was abnormal. More significantly, I was threatened implicitly with divorce, and explicitly with infidelity. In fact, I was always threatened with abandonment. He would always talk about how marriage was a stupid institution and love a temporary joke. I received no affection of any kind, verbal or physical. Everything I did was wrong. I lived in constant fear of what I would be made to do so that I would not be left alone.
There's a lot more, but that's all I can write right now. Writing that was exhausting; yet, I can't believe that any of that is as bad as getting beaten, as Beth Heke was.
I had to write this here because I can't tell just one person (my therapist). My family knows nothing. When people I know ask about the missing wedding ring, they get a breezy and short response about impending divorce.
What's worse is when they say "I'm sorry." I sorely desire to share an enormous irony I never can, that even when I had a definite suicide plan, I was still happier than when I was married.
There was a day last week when it was utterly quiet here and that beautiful, special golden afternoon light filled my living room. I decided to do yoga for some reason. During yoga, when you concentrate on your breath and the positioning and feel of your body, you can't devote energy to your mental barriers. I often cry when I do yoga for that reason.
But on that particular day, I was surrounded by peace and solitude. I realized what that quietness meant -- I was free. Suddenly, I remembered when I was a child running down a sidewalk in my neighborhood in Okinawa, in the oppressive heat, the unbelievably lush green of the tropics rushing by me, my head constantly facing forward.
I felt so free I laughed aloud. Yet, there were still tears on my face, because the price you pay for freedom is loneliness.
Comments
Good for you for telling it Hiromi, and telling us all.
Off topic I would also recommend the soc.support.depression.manic newsgroups on usenet, and their archives on google groups. If group therapy is not getting you enough answers you can read a bunch of other people's experience. Maybe best in small doses as you explore your situation a bit. Also useful for educating curious family and friends about bipolar disorder. It helped me understand what to expect from my b.p. girlfriend back in the day.
1. Posted by captured shadow on July 4, 2006
Hiromi... people that only know you through your blog love you. You are not alone. And I know you hate this but, sorry, trust yourself. Don't be guilty.
2. Posted by Jimbo on July 4, 2006
Rue and reverie. Thank you for sharing your good heart.
And, pardon me, but your ass is definitely a ten.
3. Posted by Geoff on July 4, 2006
i beg to disagree, geoff. hiromi, and not just her ass, is a 12.
it was amazing reading that. it's not your eloquence--which pretty much bowls me over--but your honesty that makes me...feel.
4. Posted by transience on July 4, 2006
It's a sad fact that almost no one ever looks at what emotional and verbal abuse does to people. The media ignores it, the legal system does as well. The deepest wounds are the ones that do not bleed, they live in our hearts and minds. In one study I know of it was proven that those emotional jabs can and do hurt us just as viscerally as a blow from a fist. From the child who is degraded by parents for 'not excelling' to the vicious verbal attacks like you have endured it is violence, it is abuse, it is cruel and most of the time it comes from people who we thought we could trust.
5. Posted by Brian on July 4, 2006
Hiromi,
It's true that sometimes the price of freedom is loneliness, but by paying that price you may get something in return.
I'm generally a pretty cynical sort, but I believe if you love the freedom when you have it you'll learn not to feel alone. And when you make that crucial step, it's possible (though not guaranteed) that you'll find someone equally free with whom you can share that bond.
6. Posted by Omnipotent Poobah on July 4, 2006
God, Hiromi. I'm speechless and have actual tears running down my cheeks reading this.
7. Posted by Karl Elvis on July 4, 2006
The emotional violence done to you is equal to, if not worse than, the physical violence done to Beth Heke. Most physical wounds heal much faster than the emotional scars you have.
Congratulations on getting some perspective as you climb out of that hole youer ex put you in.
8. Posted by moatjon on July 4, 2006
I have some experience with physical abuse, and honestly, the physical wounds heal. Bruises fade, scars just become a part of you. But it's the emotional injury that you carry around with you for a long time. It's the hardest to heal because you can't see it, you can't get stitches and close up the wound, and you might go years without even knowing that the wounds are still open.
Emotional trauma is real, and should never be discounted as being somehow "less serious" than physical violence.
And your ass is like a Spinal Tap amp, kiddo. You know what I'm saying.
9. Posted by Ray on July 4, 2006
I used to be able to look at the things the people I loved said to me, and could confidantly state that it was emotional abuse. Then somewhere along the way, I shied away from the term and its implications. I didn't want to beleive that of the people I cared for, and I didn't want to beleive it of me. Surely I wasn't 'abused'. I wasn't touched, not so hard to be bruised. But this post reminded me that I wasn't wrong in saying it - and that there isn't any shame in it, either. So. Thanks.
10. Posted by karencanvas on July 4, 2006
Hiromi, that was so eloquently written and expressed. Thanks.
Well, my first impulse is to tell you you're an incredibly beautiful person, and I don't mean on any 1-10 number scale--fuck scales. There are no charts to measure how amazing and special you are (and all of us are, really), and that this guy was so blind as to not see it in you just proves that HE was the stupid one, and HE was the ugly person in the relationship. None of this happened because of who you are. It seems clear to me even from this little bit of a description that it happened because of his own inadequacies, which he was so afraid of that he had to take out his shame and anger about them on someone else. He made you the embodiment of what he felt he was, and then abused you for being "that person."
I am delighted you are free of it. You deserve way, way better than that.
My second impulse is to want to do great bodily harm to this asshole. Or to put him in a cage and fling abuse at him for a few months nonstop to make up for what he did to you. But that wouldn't be constructive, and it would be lowering myself to his level, so I'll redirect my anger somewhere constructive. I think I have more house cleaning to do. But I'm just sayin'--if they still had stockades, I'd be buyin' some really overripe tomatoes and rotten cabbage heads right about now.
I also want to say that intelligence isn't necessarily a protective factor from abuse. One of the smartest women I've ever known was in a very similar situation to yours, and it took her years to get out of it.
A lot of people here are saying abuse is abuse, and there's no "rating scale." They are of course, absolutely right. Yet, I know where the impulse to compare comes from. While I feel sure that everyone else's abuse stories deserve equal merit, I've always made an exception for myself--punished myself by allowing myself to feel in MY case, my personal situation could be "rated," and not favorably ("Mine is not as important or valid or awful as this other person's").
So I know how hard it is to shake those kinds of thoughts, even if logically you know they're not true. But I think the operative thing to remember is that in the end, comparison/contrast doesn't matter. What matters is that each such action perpetrated against someone, whether mental or physical or both, has the same ultimate effect--it makes the recipient of them feel dehumanized. One starts to forget who she is and, as you said, to lose one's voice. One becomes unsure, and then over time begins to believe the abuser's definition of her, even if on other levels she tries to fight that voice from being in her head. It happens in every case, no matter what kind of case it is. And so if you look at the end effect, rather than the initiating event(s) it's clear that to do that to someone, to take away their sense of self, is ALWAYS unacceptable.
And I'm with Omnipotent Poobah on taking the optimist's view. Maybe it's lonely now because you don't have all of you back yet. When you do, though, you'll have yourself for company, and that won't seem lonely...and it will pull in someone who is equally self-secure and balanced, who will be the antithesis of the person you described above. I really do believe this to be true. If once you reach that point, it's the path you want, it'll happen.
Anyway, I'm glad you're free and are starting to find your voice again, because it's a lovely voice even now, and according to this post I haven't even gotten to read the whole measure of it yet. I'm looking forward to hearing it loud and clear.
11. Posted by Miss Syl on July 4, 2006
Oh, and I loved "Once Were Warriors." I saw it in the theater originally and I've watched it a bunch of times since. But on another level I hate watching it, because that damn song "What's the Time Mr. Wolf" gets stuck in my head for two days afterwards. So, yeah, thanks for reminding me of that. Dammit.
12. Posted by Miss Syl on July 4, 2006
Hiromi, I doubt that there are enough words in me to salve the wounds that have been inflicted over the past years, not enough bioenergetic psycho prayer to waft over you and heal you, not enough hugs to undshovel the crap that's been poured over you, but I wish there was. I wish I had even a tiny bit of that capacity.
I'm proud that you are doing everything right at this moment. Talking, thinking, choosing to survive, reaching, hating, loving, asking and receiving.
I'll offer you the strength I have to help lift you just a little.
Goose
13. Posted by Goose on July 4, 2006
Hiromi? ***HUGS*** Keep that feeling. That free feeling. No matter what it took, no matter how hard that was, keep that feeling. 'Cause you earned it.
14. Posted by Darkneuro on July 4, 2006
One of the things I enjoyed immensely over at the old blog was this fantastic photo of your ass that was posted there. :-)
But I read this blog because I think you're an intelligent, eloquent and kick-ass sorta gal and I just love that. :-) I can relate to having been put through shit and it helps to make some sort of connection (be it simply by reading) with someone else who's been run through the mill.
Not to let comments get too repetitive, but emotional scars do take longer to heal than the physical. While the physical pain from the assault last year occasionally comes up (it's left a tender bit inside that can hurt when poked the wrong way) it's the emotional scars from having my trust so completely broken, from being painted as "crazy" for speaking up about the assault, that linger and still affect my sex life today. But little by little it heals. My mother was somewhat emotionally abusive to me growing up, and it took years to move past that and have self-confidence. I'm sure as hell not letting anyone take that away from me now. (Not for long anyway.)
You kick ass Hiromi. :-) And I'm sure you'll keep kicking ass through the healing process.
15. Posted by Nadia West on July 4, 2006
Hiromi, I don't know what to say. Like Karl Elvis, I am just blown away by what you represent, right here before my eyes. I am grateful you are finding your voice, your self. And so grateful to be part of watching as it happens. Thank you. And I hope that one of the reasons you blog is that it is helpful in reaching moments of articulation like this. Peace.
16. Posted by Hu![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.moronosphere.com/hiromi/nav-commenters.gif)
on
July 5, 2006
To rate you a 6/10 is laughable. If I were asked about your best feature I probably couldn't answer because there's nothing about your body that I don't like. You've obviously put a lot of effort into developing that gorgeous lean musculature.
When I think Hiromi, it's often to lament the fact that a mind as penetrating and lucid as yours is rarely matched with such a stunning physique. I think you're incredible.
17. Posted by Onym on July 5, 2006
I'm glad you are out of that relationship. You deserve better.
Sometimes it takes longer to realize you are being emotionally/mentally abused. The bruises aren't visible. You hear those ugly comments over and over until you believe them. Until you are convinced you are ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and hopeless.
I'm happy to see the truth coming out: You are smart and beautiful.
18. Posted by drvodka on July 5, 2006
Hiromi,
I hope you found some enjoyment on the holiday. I am glad you are sharing your experiences. I expect that you can make your own progress and that in doing so, you should eventually meet a wonderful partner. The folks on the Internet are wishing you the best. Keep focused, get help from your loved ones, and don't give in.
Love,
-danny
19. Posted by Danny Howard on July 5, 2006
I have nothing to add but a few *hugs* of my own. I grew up in a very emotionally abusive household, and while some of the scars have healed, I still find ones I never knew existed.
Talking about it takes away a little of the power every time, and I (and a lot of other people here!) will be here anytime you need to talk.
*hugs*
20. Posted by TinaMarie![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.moronosphere.com/hiromi/nav-commenters.gif)
on
July 6, 2006
Hiromi, I think you are beautiful, intelligent, strong, sexy and very deserving of every happiness that you can eke out of this existence. The things that have happened to you will make you stronger, smarter and happier, if you use them and learn from them. The forging process sucks, but you are coming through it. And I am glad for you.
21. Posted by Bad Kitty on July 6, 2006
Eloquent, moving, and incredibly open. Thank you for sharing those thoughts and feelings. The more I read your blog, the more I admire you and your ability to write, share and express your emotions and experiences. You are both intelligent and beautiful, as well as funny and erudite - what more could anyone ask of another person?
Mark
22. Posted by Mark on July 6, 2006
Bravo Hiromi. It takes guts to speak about this stuff. I was in the same situation for years & it wears you down to a fraction of yourself. BUT when you start to re emerge, as you are, it is like an epiphany. I wish I knew where your new house was to send you the biggest bunch of roses, peonies, love-in-a-mist,Tiger lilies and cornflowers.
Love comes to you from here in the UK too.
23. Posted by Jo.L on July 7, 2006
I think thats the most open you've ever been to "us". Writing it down helps hugely. Massively.
Your ordeal (and yes, I will call it an ordeal) sounded nothing short of cruel. Yet, look at you, you've broken out. You've moved the fuck on. And for that I applaud you.
I think you've done the hard part and, although it may not always feel like it, conquered it. The only way is upwards.
Lots of virtual love
Boudica
24. Posted by B on July 7, 2006
Sharing this is bound to have helped you immensely. Receiving the support of everyone here has got to be great for you. I hope I someday get the pleasure of meeting you in person and having a fantastic conversation and meal with you. You're beautiful, intelligent, possess a wicked sense of humor, and are quite fascinating.
25. Posted by tskathy58 on July 7, 2006
Independence day, indeed. I've been away for some time. I know it took courage to write all that. It is not easy to admit to the abuse we're willing to accept in the name of love. To own it this way is the beginning of your freedom. Good for you.
26. Posted by RossRosser on July 8, 2006
I'm starting to realize that the sort of abuse you describe is, well, abuse. I've put up with that for years from a lot of quarters and I always thought it was both my fault and a part of being alive and having relationships. Obviously, that's not the case. Thanks for being part of my realization.
(I've been a periodic lurker both here and at the old blog and I admire your writing and wit. This post stuck me so I felt it was finally time to say so.)
27. Posted by Adora on July 12, 2006
Glad you were able to find some peace and solitude. Too bad you had to go through all that to get there.
28. Posted by Wants And Needs on July 18, 2006
Kia kaha, Hiromi. Kia kaha.
29. Posted by SimonSeven on July 29, 2006
When someone hits you and you are hurt, you can see that they are not your friend. When someone is emotionally abusive you cant put up any wall right off and coming from someone close, you take it to heart..., we arent taught any self defense, or self preservation for this
thank you for your blog
30. Posted by jaclyn on December 13, 2006
Thank you, Jaclyn. Glad you stopped by.
31. Posted by Hiromi on December 13, 2006