The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Nothing much new. More of the same. The lawyer with whom I consulted is blowing me off. I feel too apathetic/defeated to look into getting another lawyer. At this point I don't even think having an attorney would do me any good. I don't think it matters. I called the sheriff's office last week, arranged a time/place and accepted the court summons stuff. Although the AG told me that I was being charged with illegal homeschooling and breaking a federal law, I didn't see any mention of either one of these things in the paperwork. It looks like they just want to end child support and try to get me to cover the children's health insurance under my job. (Tangent: I can't even afford to cover myself under the policy available through my university employment. I cancelled my policy a year-and-a-half ago. Covering the children would take up almost my entire paycheck. I guess they can force me to do it, but maybe not, as my salary definitely qualifies the children for Medicaid. I guess they can try . . . )
I took Sierra to a neurologist on Friday. Conservative treatment before surgery. PT three times per week for the next month, then reevaluate. I can't even write about this. The whole thing is so terrifying. I just wish, wish so much, that I could take this disease away from Sierra, take it upon myself.
I don't know if it's the big things or all the little things that are killing me. The trailer is bad. The kitchen sink leaks steadily into the cupboard underneath; it's constantly soaked and smells badly. I tried to fix it but the plastic pipe pieces won't come apart. The toilet in my bathroom is terminally clogged. I keep trying and trying to fix it but nothing works. I got the toilet in the kids' bathroom working-ish, but five people and one toilet is not good bathroom math. The Oldsmobile keeps having "electrical problems." That's what it says on the dash, and then everything goes out. It doesn't have ac and so if a window is open when this electrical issue happens, I'm out of luck. Frankie and I tried and tried to manually push/pull the window up the other day, but couldn't do it. Driving with my window open in the rain at 44 degrees depressed me in a way somehow deeper than the whole AG court thing.
I get angry at myself: Crying over a toilet when a lot of people don't even have bathrooms? Over a car window that won't shut when a lot of people don't have cars? What's wrong with me?
I don't know.
I want everything to stop.
I don't think it's going to stop anytime soon.
I like my dogs Fraction and Pi. They make me feel better. My children are all doing good things, leading good lives, and I love them and they make me feel better. I think that my English class is going well.
I just . . . Eh. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired.
Here's what I want:
My children to be happy and well.
My assorted non-human animal companions to be happy and well.
A home that is comfortable and clean and pretty and safe.
A car that is better.
Enough money to be secure and safe.
A profession that I mostly enjoy.
To feel safe.
Eh. None of that is going to happen anytime soon. So I guess I better just deal with everything, work harder, try to not-think.