***
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
(Simon and Garfunkel)
***
I'm so sick of effing rocks. And Island Arcs, now that Simon and Garfunkel mention them.
I've been slumped here since six forty-five this flipping morning trying to study for this damned Geology exam.
I have until Wednesday to take it on campus and on Tuesday the testing center only does GED testing so it's tomorrow or Wednesday and it just occurred to me that Wednesday is Halloween and I'd like to join my kids in a family home night of candy and horror flick consumption... So I need to take the damned thing tomorrow after work.
And I've been sitting here so long, all sticky from the coffee I spilled all over myself this morning (sigh...), all unbrushed teeth, all messy hair, and I'm getting grumpy.
Very grumpy.
And hungry.
And I've got a feeling the kids have been ignoring all my demands that they do their damned chores.
I seriously do not like Geology.
Which is odd, because you'd kind of think I'd like it.
I think I don't like it because it's my contention that the Professor's exams are... I don't know. The exams are... designed somehow in a way that keeps me from getting my general good grades regardless of my study habits.
I'm not quite sure what the issue is. But it makes me grumpy, shoving all this info into my poor head, knowing it's somehow not going to help me the way it should during the exam.
Eh.
The guy doing the fencing called to say that he'd underestimated the job and the cost is going to be a few hundred more than he'd estimated.
Of course.
And this of course means that there's no way I can pay my car insurance in one single money-saving payment by November 16th.
Of course.
I made six hundred, forty-four dollars and three cents for subbing in September. I just got paid for it last Thursday. I don't guess October will be much better.
Six hundred-something dollars a month is not do-able.
I'm thinking more and more that I should have stayed with that Christian health clinic place.
Eh.
***
You know, it's like one step forward, two steps back. I learn that my insurance will be less than I expected, but the fence cost will be more.
I have a brand new car, but I'm so filled with dread over paying for it that I can't enjoy it.
What does it matter if I get an A on a Government exam when I'll probably barely get a C on the Geology one?
***
I don't know. I'm tired. I jogged yesterday and Friday (and Wednesday, Tuesday, Sunday, Saturday...), but I don't feel any better. This period or whatever has got me bleeding so much it's like there are weasels loose inside me, tearing me up internally. (Oh. Ugh. Did I need to say that?)
You know what I want to do? I want to have no worries on my mind. I want to sleep without waking up a zillion times stressing over money. I want there to be no pressure, no horrible pressure to study or complete an essay, or catch-up, catch-up, catch-up on the textbooks. I don't want to be frantically checking the substitute teacher website, trying to grab a good job, weighing if grabbing an aid job is better than nothing or if I should try to hold out for a teaching position. The only thing I want to have on my agenda is making laundry detergent. Watching Goose Bumps with the kids. Starting a big pot of homemade beef and vegetable stew. Watching the chickens. Planting some bulbs for spring. Being kinder to the kids and the dogs and having time to hold the few remaining cats. I want to have time to take a longer shower. I want time to actually wear my hair down. I want to curl up under a blanket and read for pleasure (that would be... nothing involving rocks or government).
The bad thing, the thing that scares me, is that I can't actually see getting to this point.
As I keep saying (and saying and saying...) to OKC, is that things don't seem to be getting any easier. They seem to be getting harder. Or maybe it's just my perception; I don't know. And I keep thinking I'm doing the right things, trying to keep headed in the right direction... but I don't know.
And, as I know I keep saying, I see the changes within myself, I see that I'm angrier, and bitter, and suspicious, and pessimistic, and I know these were both natural and necessary changes as well as survival adaptations... but it makes me sad sometimes.
***
Like I've got freaking time to be sad.
Back to rocks and volcanic islands...
First... Deep breath. Let it out. Do it 5 more times.
You're better off (SO MUCH BETTER) away from the clinic. Postal doesn't suit you.
On the grades: I figured out way way way back in high school that if I have a 3.7 average with 5 classes, a C- in one more class will not affect my GPA *that* much. It's a hard thing to get through the brainpan, but it helps a LOT if you can see that. It kindof frees you to just make sure you get the credit hours and the graduation requirement out of it. Chalk it up to "I thought I'd like it, it's an intro course, I don't like it." That's what 1st semester classes are for. This is your 1st semester of it. You're not locked into it for your degree are you? This is a plus. Chalk it up and if it ends up being the ONLY class you ever have like it, YAY!
On the money front: You keep saying the person who's fucking up actually sending you Fran's long overdue child support keeps asking for a remittance of some sort. Tell her you would like, in writing, exactly what it would take from you to make this process as smooth as possible, since it is fulfilling a request from the AG for payment of court ordered child support...For 4 children. Keep in mind this is ESPECIALLY if Fran is as suave as he thinks he is & he has contact with her. Then I'd request, in writing, the same. Unless it starts coming in, then I'd request an investigation by the AG's office into why this woman cannot perform this function, which *is* apparently a job requirement of hers.
My mom would say "Kids avoiding chores get things taken away." I say: Tell the kids your jobs: Mom, financial manager, chauffeur, laundress, dishwasher, cook, maid, pet caretaker (feed/water/love on all critters great and small), gardener, chemist (you make detergent! Share recipe! take pictures!), handyman, student, acting triage nurse, counselor, confessor. They've got it kindof easy, at least as far as # of jobs goes. To do their chores is no big deal, they're getting close to being adults, so please... Be adult about it. Most kids are reasonable, and yours are more so than most, methinks.
Your goal for subbing should be take the teacher positions as available, fill in with aide positions where necessary. Is it that big a difference between waiting for a teaching job and being able to grab an aide position, time wise? Meaning, if there aren't any teaching jobs, do you pretty much have an aide job or are you screwed on all fronts? What time are most positions posted? I know in Abq they'd go up mostly between 6&7. Set your own little schedule: If you don't get a TEACHING job by X time (and make it reasonable. Not "They open the line at 7 and I must have a job by 7:15!" That's not reasonable), then go for an aide job. If no aide job by Y time, then check every hour (set an alarm) and no more than that, please. If you do happen to luck out and get an unexpected day off or the odd hour off (and yeah, it does happen, and yeah, it can be kinda lucky) I'd take the time to take a longer shower or read a book for an hour or 2, start that stew (do you have a crockpot? use it), hold teh kittez.
I'd apply for default title on the land, kick yabbo off and sell it again, not willing to carry a mortgage on it. $X OBO Cash only.
September subbing was September. You've settled into it some. You're better with practice at it. You're more confident at it. Take that into consideration while looking at the Sept. paycheck.
Rinse. Repeat.