Semester Starts in Mere Hours...

| 1 Comment
I'm really tired. It seems as though that's all I ever say. I did the staff meeting thing yesterday, plus, as requested by my department chair, I attempted to share some sort of academic wisdom with the incoming grad students. (I was personally underwhelmed by my own words and think that in the future I should strive to confine my communication --academic and otherwise-- to the cyber realm. 

This afternoon I'm meeting with the instructor-of-record for the f2f course I'm assisting. (Oh Syntax... What's wrong with that sentence? And why am I too tired to fix it?) 

Yesterday in the staff meeting, I was quasi-consumed with despondency. I sat there thinking, 'Here we go again... It's never going to end. What am I doing? And why?'

Eh.

I'm not complaining, exactly. Not exactly. I like this whole academia thing. I mean, I really like it. And feeling as though I don't...quite...fit in here is better than feeling that I don't fit in somewhere else, right? Right? And the whole "fitting in" thing is probably one of those social myths, anyway, right? Right?

Oh well.

***

Although I know I shouldn't do it, although I know it's wrong, and although I know it's both meaningless and inaccurate, I have a scale in my head. A Circe Smith Scale™ upon which I can't help but measure everyone/thing. And everyone/thing always comes up short. And even as I know that the criteria of measure are messed up, I can't help but do it. Like, the other day I helped some guy who sprained his ankle and when the EMS guys did that pain assessment thing and he stated that the pain was the worst he's ever felt in his whole entire life, behind my benign and less-than-brilliant exterior persona, my Circe Smith Scale kicked in and in my head I was all, Srsly? SRSLY? And when my mother's nonfunctioning garbage disposal is an urgent, all-consuming nightmare of household appliance catastrophe, behind my silent lack of expression my scale ricochets violently to the big-red-letter point of SRSLY? And, sigh, I could unfortunately give a zillion more recent examples. I need to stop, because I know that the things I count as "good," "strong," "stoic," and "practical" in my own self are probably crazy things. Things I shouldn't apply to other people. Standards I shouldn't expect normal people to have to adhere to.

Eh.

***

In other news, I'm into my sixth year of rigorous and probably conclusive celibacy. (I know! And Hallmark is utterly cardless!) How does one celebrate impressively extended self-imposed celibacy? Hang on -- lemme grab a Diet Pepsi... Okay. I'm back. And apparently I've answered my own question: One celebrates long-term celibacy with unhealthy diet drinks. (Yay me!) 

I spend some portions of my pesky commute time pondering my celibacy, trying to figure out what --if anything-- it means, trying to figure out how it started, why it's continuing, where I'm going with it. In my poor programmed-for-dualistic-thinking mind, I still pretty much believe that there's a brain/body binary going on here and that I can't be both sexual and smart, that it's some either/or thing, that it's salacity versus my 4.0 GPA, and that between the carnal and the cerebral I better damn well go for the cerebral.

Or something. I don't know. And I guess I better go. I'm trying to get a slight head start on my textbooks (in tandem with my burned-out exhaustion). I guess I should hope my Diet Pepsi kicks in with the caffeine and I can get at least one book read by Monday.  

It's just... geez. I don't know what it is. I feel like an alien, a mutant, a freak. I feel lonely even as I can't stand to be around most people. I feel... I don't know. Am I sad? Am I okay? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be? Moving in the right direction? And what direction is that, exactly? I feel constantly on my guard even/especially in this new academic setting, trying to figure out what's going on around me, what people are thinking, what they want. 

I better go. 

The Caprine Update

| 2 Comments
The children are back in school and by this I mean that two of them are in eighth and tenth grade and one of them continues to homeschool herself while taking core undergrad courses at the local community college.

Me, I seem to be experiencing a strange amalgamation of despondency and paranoia. (I know! Somehow my request for "cheerful" and "relaxed" got screwed up AGAIN!) The result of this fusion is that my mind is all revved up thinking that almost-everyone is out to use me, take advantage of me, do something bad-ish to me, but I'm just...too...exhausted by despair to really do anything about it. (Besides brood, I mean. Because there's always time and energy for brooding.) (Whee!) 

Maybe I should go read in the sun. Maybe that would cheer me up. (Umm... It's clear that I still haven't figured out that I'm in triple-digit-temp-Texas-August and "reading in the sun" results in spontaneous combustion.)

I should do something. Something, something, something. Besides staying mentally busy with this whole What Do They WANT From Me? thing. Maybe I should multitask: Clean my room while being wary and suspicious.

Eh.

In other news, the goats are well.

Racing

| No Comments
No real rest. I had two weeks between semesters but the time was all taken up by stressful life stuff. I feel as though I haven't slept in years. I'll fall asleep and then a few hours later jolt awake, my mind in hyperdrive, worrying, plotting, planning, trying to find some sort of order from chaos.

Will the fall be easier? I'm taking two classes, teaching two classes. Taking one class online, the other face-to-face. Teaching one class online, the other in person. I need to figure out the topic of my master's thesis. I need to figure out where and in what program I'll pursue my doctoral degree... And it's complicated. It's a very complicated decision -- politically, personally, and professionally complicated. I need to figure it out very soon.

I'm cursed or possibly blessed with some sense of, you know, destiny. I'm plagued by the sense that I'm supposed to do/be something important-ish. Like, I haven't just been joking about that whole save/change the world thing. Sometimes I'll be driving or sitting outside watching the chickens/geese/goats/dogs/cats and I'll feel... I don't know. Feel that someday I'll look back on this time and I'l be able to retrospectively see and make sense of how what I'm doing now --everything I'm doing now-- is moving me closer to where/what I'm supposed to be. I don't know.

But things are hard. Money is of course better -- a lot better. But things are hard. Very stressful. I feel as though I cannot relax, cannot relax for even an hour. I feel as though I have to be more, do better, do more, be better. Like the faster I run, the faster I have to run. Like there's no end, no point of win, just one long, increasingly difficult race. 

And on that note, I have to go.

Blog Un-Published

| 4 Comments
I know, I know, thousands (!) of entries un-pub'ed. I'll probably restore everything at some point.  :)

donate

Recent Comments

  • Massaging Cushion: Usefull information, thanks to you. It is incomprehensible to me read more
  • Circe: Lucifer is apparently going to be aggravating for his entire read more
  • gbw: maybe sitting under a tree with the goats would help. read more
  • Elvis: test read more
  • dea: Wow, lose track for a few weeks and see what read more
  • Elvis: It's almost like an entirely fresh start. You can blog read more
  • spcknght (aka SKiPinCincy): No worries, I ended up doing the same to RFG. read more

Blogroll

flickr!

www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from _Circe. Make your own badge here.

Godless

image
Hosted by Moronosphere
Powered by Movable Type 4.34-en