Swiped from Herr Wolfe, who is certainly a gentleman and a scholar. No idea the true origin of this, but it isn’t as trite as most of these.
How can I tell if you are angry?
My gut response to this is to steal Wolfe’s answer, I’ll tell you when I’m angry. But I don’t honestly think that’s true.
Someone said to me not that long ago, something to the effect of I can tell when you’re angry, you stop breathing and won’t look at me. This was news to me, but I suspect it was correct.
For the most part, you won’t know. People who know me very very well may see tiny signs, but I tend to shut the blast doors pretty tight when I’m angry.
That’s normal anger I’m talking about, the quiet, shut-down-seething kind.
Sometimes people mistake something else in me for anger. The shouting at bad drivers kind, or the where the fuck are my carkeys kind, or the who put my carbon-steel knife in the dishwasher kind. That, in fact, while loud and viscous, isn’t anger at all, that irritation. It’s like flash powder, which goes up fast and bright and loud and does almost no harm. That’s as opposed to real anger, which is TNT with a very long fuse.
Then there’s the other kind, and you’ll know because I suddenly get bigger, I get louder, and things tend to get broken. There’s absolutely no mistaking that kind of anger. It rarely shows up, but when it does, do not fuck with me.
How should I behave around you if you are angry?
- That one is very easy. Be nice, be honest, and don’t try to fight. Better yet, if you’re turned on by my anger, let me know and we’ll have a great time. People who know how to submit can deal with me very very well when I get angry, but people who don’t understand this will cause us both unnecessary pain.
Do not try to win an argument with me when I’m angry. You will lose. Do not start a physical fight. I stop feeling pain when I’m angry.
How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? How is it best to comfort you?
- Sex is best. Physical contact. Love. I need physical intimacy when I’m hurting. Other things may help, but nothing helps like getting naked.
Are there things we should not discuss?
- No. Anything goes – and I’ll tell you not now if that changes temporarily.
How should I treat you if you are physically ill?
- See above. I’m always horny when I’m sick. Apart from that, leave me alone until I call. I don’t need to be tended or waited on, I don’t want to cause anyone any trouble. Just listen to me bitch a little. The exception is when I’m feverish; I get delirious and may call you in the middle of the night raving. I will need to be talked down. Then I’m be horny.
What makes you happy, that’s in my power to grant as a friend?
- See above. Nothing in the world makes me feel as good as sex. Short if that, damn, I do like cookies.
How would you like us to recognize your birthday?
- I want people to come to me and take me out. I want people to crawl in bed with me. I don’t wanna have to plan anything, and I don’t need any gifts that are not physical.
Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
- Gifts I can eat or drink, gifts of love and sex. These things are good. Gifts I have to find a place for, I almost never need. (Pirate regalia or skull rings are of course, an exception to that rule). If you buy me wine or booze, stick with absurdly expensive shit (eyes bottle of Highland Park someone just gave him).
Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable.
- Now, xmas. I don’t really feel it any more. I keep hoping that will change but I’m finding that more and more, I want it to be over more than I want it to arrive. Aside from that, winter in general only because I hate cold and flu season. And I hate having to wear clothes.
Who are the most important people in your life to whom we should defer when making plans on your behalf?
- They know who they are.