Every once in a while I remember why I like drugs.
I’ve been struggling to get back on California time for a week now since getting back from Fiji. My body wants to still be there.
My head sort of does too.
Actually my head wants to be someplace else tropical. I mean, Fiji was great, and I’ll go back one day; but I get restless with too many days in one place.
No, I’m thinking of being still away, someplace warm, tropical, with good diving. Maybe someplace east instead of west, where there’s some fine caribbean rum, beaches, where the beer is cold and the women are warm and willing.
That’s where I’d like to be. Only I guess it’s still hurricane season. There may be danger. But I’m not afraid. Damn the torpedos.
But I was talking about the downers. In this case, sleeping pills. I think I was supposed to take one but I always say if one dose is good, three doses is twice and good.
I like this feeling. My body hasn’t yet grasped that this is “sleep“. Now it’s saying “Add beer to this“. Or possibly it’s “Add some of that really high quality scotch, or that extra fine Reposado Tequila“.
Man, I’m relaxed.
When I get into the pain meds (hey, I hurt somewhere, it’s ok. Or someone somewhere hurts and I feel their pain), when I eat a few sleeping pills, it makes me understand why the narcotics are such a draw. That floating feeling, that sensation of being wrapped in warm velvet. Delightful, and dangerous. It feels too good.
My friends didn’t do the downers when I hung with a chemical crowd. They were more about the ups and the psychdelics. Fun, certainly, very much fun. But we didn’t have the downs floating around.
I miss the quualudes most of all.
But now, floating gradually into sleeping-pill fuzzyland. I’m thinking, you know, a few more of these would make me feel even better. Where’d I leave them? They were here a minute ago.
Sometimes these things give me funny dreams. Very vivid. Not as much as muscle relaxants used to when I was taking them for a neck injury; hoo boy did I have weird dreams on those. But still. So I am hoping I can induce dreams of a couple favorite friends. I’m thinking of you, ladies!
My eyes are growing fur. How many of these did I take? I can’t remember.
There are some things I wanted to write about tonight. Friends I’m hoping to see soon, friends who are leaving town, feelings I’ve had since coming home that I can’t put into words, or can’t find words that can capture the mental state.
A conversation on an Orkut community made me think about mortality today, and about putting things off for later. There are things i’d like to be doing, places I’d like to be going, people I’d like to be seeing. Opportunities; I hate to pass them, I hate to say “later” or “Im too busy”. I hate reasons that stop us from doing what we want.
I think sleep might be winning over buzz now. You tell me. Am I making less and less sense as I go? Good, I’m hoping so.
There are things I want to write about tonight and the words I have are inadequate, or my brain too far into the black hole. Love and pain and pleasure and commitments and rules and promises and relationships. People breaking up, people getting together, couples in trouble. People who should be together, but are not, or cannot.
I should sleep now. I hear bed calling. Though it sounds far away, I think I can manage it. The call is sweet; why not answer.
Remind me to delete this before you all read it. It’s sure to make no sense.